When Ellen and I were first married ministry was not our 20-year plan, the Navy was. We had it all planned out; we were to spend the next 20 years with me being gone for 15. The Navy explained to my sweet new bride how grueling it would be, that I would be gone often and that even when I was around my mind would be elsewhere. Knowing that my particular career path in the Navy would be a marriage destroyer I pursued a discharge for the pursuit of higher education. With the promise of a difficult future behind us we embarked upon an easier dream where everyone would love us and things would be calm: pastoral service.
Twenty plus years later I can tell you it has been a ride we never could have anticipated. So much so that only now do I feel equipped enough to share a few things I either lacked the clarity or courage to share until this season of life. I want to share the 10 things we as pastors don’t really want you to know about us. Now in doing so my aim is not to rat out my fellow pastors. Nor am I doing this so congregants sleep with one eye open regarding their leadership. My intention is precisely the opposite. I hope that from this:
- Churches will pray all the more for their pastors because they understand the challenges.
- Churches will be doubly grateful for the fact that so many pastors stay in the saddle despite their fears, hurts and frustrations.
- People in churches will think twice before engaging in things that sink deep into the soul of their leaders.
Therefore I give a glimpse into what we as pastors don’t like to admit about ourselves.
#1. We Take It Personally When You Leave The Church.
It’s just a straight up fact. We pastors eat, drink and sleep the local church and with that have a deep desires to see it thrive. Therefore when you leave to another church because…
- you’re bothered by a recent decision, but didn’t ask about it…
- the new church has a bigger and better kids wing, youth group, worship team, building space, (fill in your blank)…
- your friends started going there…
… it hits us personally.
For us it feels disloyal, shallow or consumer driven. People affirm that church is a family, thus when you up and leave because the church down the road has Slurpee dispensers, a fog machine or it’s just cooler, well it jams us pretty deep.
#2. We Feel Pressure To Perform Week After Week.
The average TV show has a multimillion-dollar budget, a staff of writers and only airs 22 weeks out of the year; that’s what we feel we’re up against. Where the pressure is doubled comes from the previous point. We know there are churches near by with a multimillion-dollar budget or a celebrity pastor who have the ability to do many more things at a much higher level. From this a sense of urgency is created in our mind to establish the same level of quality, option and excellence to meet the consumerist desires of culture.
Now if this were exclusively in the hopes of reaching new people this wouldn’t be so bad, but increasingly pastors feel the need to do this just to retain people who may be stuff struck by the “Bigger and Better” down the way.
#3. We Struggle With Getting Our Worth From Ministry.
When the numbers are up, the complements are flowing and the people are lively we feel great. When everything is level, it feels like it’s in decline. When things are actually in decline, it’s a full-tilt tailspin in our soul. We almost can’t help but equate the growth of the church with our ability/inability to produce growth. Therefore if there is any appearance of waning we feel defeated and wonder how long before the church board wises up and trades us to another team. The “Idol of Ministry” comes on and off the shelf pretty regularly in a pastor’s office.
#4. We Regularly Think About Quitting.
This comes in two very different forms.
One form is the variation of perhaps leaving ministry all together. While there are some really great things about vocational ministry, there are also less enjoyable realities such as: pastors’ families are noticed (i.e. judged) routinely, pastors’ purchases are observed (i.e. judged) overtly and pastors’ words are weighed (i.e. judged) consistently. Therefore the ability to hide among the masses and not be noticed is very appealing.
The second form comes with the desire for a change of scenery. Pastors are shepherds, thus we love greener grass even more than sheep. To leave for a bigger budget, better building or a place with less difficult people (yeah, we get delusional sometimes) stands out as lush Kentucky Bluegrass when contrasted with the dusty patch of ragged earth called “our current church.” This “Greener Grass Gawking” usually occurs when we become too proud (“My gifts are better than this place”) or too insecure (“I stink and just need to start over”) and flows from #3.
#5. We Say We Are Transparent – It’s Actually Opaque.
Today pastors are generally more open about their struggles than previous generations, but we still sense there is a threshold that is not to be crossed. People want open, honest and real, but not too much. Generally churches want just enough so they feel safe with you, but not so much that it spoils the expectations they have of you. Unfortunately the threshold is a blurry line by which pastors never know how much is too much until its too late. After a couple of infractions we learn that opaque is safe – even if it’s isolating.
When pastors’ wives are polled on how it feels to be the spouse of someone in full-time ministry the #1 answer is one profound word, “Lonely.” They are around hundreds of people every week, but they never feel they can let their guard down because they know people have opinions on how a pastor’s wife should be. Now I know people say they don’t, but literally every church I have served in has shared unflattering stories of the previous pastor’s wife. Many of these stories came from the spiritually mature leadership who considered the pastor and his wife to be their friends. The real irony comes in when later in the conversation I would be told, “But don’t worry, we don’t have any expectations on your wife. We just want to love on her.” Right! Now I don’t blame people for this natural human tendency, but being aware of how things are keeps you relationally opaque. And it’s not merely pastors and their wives who insulate. Pastoral families at large feel alone because there is a certain level of unknown expectations buried like landmines through the field of the church and so there is a constant mode of mostly transparent.
#6. We Measure Ourselves By The Numbers.
Numbers don’t matter! Yeah right. No matter how badly we want to slap that bumper sticker on our Ford the reality is that numbers matter to us. And they matter to us it part because they matter to God. The problem however goes back to #1-3. The absence of growth in our churches can cascade into an internal turmoil by which we begin to scrounge for “The Next Big Thing” that will bring “Radical Growth” “Guaranteed.” So we read books on how to be a “Deep & Wide, Vertical, Purpose Driven, Radical Reformission, Creature of the Word, Big Idea, Center Church.” Then we jet off to a conference with thousands of other pastors who are seeking to glean the secret of success. And what is the first question we ask one another between sessions? “So, how big is your church?” Yep, we measure ourselves by the numbers.
#7 We Spend More Time Discouraged Than Encouraged.
Occasionally people say to me, “Must be awesome to get paid to study the Bible all day.” Every time they do I think to myself, “Must be awesome to be able to give someone the finger on the 520 without people saying, ‘The pastor at Redemption Church flipped me off today during rush-hour.’” I’m not fully sure why that is the comment that flashes across my mental dashboard, but I think part of it stems from what I perceive to be the tone of the comment. Rightly or wrongly I infer they are saying, “Must be nice to have such a cush gig as a paid quiet-time.” In all honestly it is pretty awesome to be paid study the Bible, but it’s a major downer when people:
- tell you – after 2 minutes of un-investigated reflection – that your 30 hours of study and 2 collegiate degrees were wrong.
- tell you that they just couldn’t stay awake today during your sermon, but no offense. (How about I fall asleep at your kid’s graduation and we’ll call it even.)
- tell you how you should have also said…
- tell you how Pastor So-N-So says…
Aside from these particular examples I find that for most pastors it generally feels like the boat is taking on water more than racing with the wind – regardless of size or rate of growth. Lead pastors particularly suffer from this since much of their job is to focus on seeing things get better, which often translates into focusing on the broken, lacking or unfilled parts of the church more than enjoying what is right and working. Many of the most faithful and fruitful pastors in history have suffered deeply with anxiety and depression for the same reasons.
#8. We Worry About What You Think.
We’re human and we want to be liked. Therefore when we know we’re going to do or say something people won’t like, we worry about it. Now when I say that I don’t mean to infer that it causes us to avoid the hard things. There are some of my fellow pastors who avoid challenging topics or decisions out of fear of people, but most of the ones I run with still choose deliver the mail regardless of the popularity of its message. Yet we still worry about how you may take it.
#9. We Struggle With Competition And Jealousy.
We like to hold ourselves above the petty fray and reiterate, “It’s all about the Kingdom,” but in reality pastors are a competitive bunch. As soon as one pastor asks another, “How big is your church?” the game is on if the two churches are within 20 miles of each other (past 20 miles we lighten up a lot and think each other is pretty cool). Within 20 miles however we begin to assess one another’s style, focus, message, sophistication and marketing. We gauge to see if it’s a “Goldilocks Church” – not to deep, not too shallow, but just right (like us). If you’re too deep we benchmark you as internally focused. If you’re too shallow we brand you as consumer-driven. If however we conclude that you too are a “Goldilocks Church” we then figure out how our church is still better than your church. If you have lame amenities, we critique that you will never grow until you reboot that 70’s sanctuary. If you have awesome amenities, we criticize that you grow only because people are shallow and care more about stuff than Scripture.
Yes we know it’s not right. We know that it’s ego driven, but we still fall victim to it. We believe our church is the best church ever and we can’t understand why everyone doesn’t see it.
#10. We Feel Like We Failed You More Than We Helped You.
Most pastors will never be famous. Most churches will never break the 100 mark. Yet we all entered ministry to change the world and reach the masses. With this we know it is the expectation of churches that we accomplish this very thing. Every job posting reinforces the idea with the sentence, “We are looking for a man that will take our church to the next level.” Then when the next level isn’t hit in the way anticipated or within the timeline envisioned – we feel like we failed you. This is especially true in light of the reality that we are our own biggest critics. We came in with expectations higher than anyone in the church. You look to us for direction and when we feel like we failed to produce we feel like we failed you.
The Everyday Missionary 
Pastorboz…thank you.
I am very sorry I read this article, because in fact, I feel the absolute beauty of the Everlasting Gospel, which is the center of The Christian Life, is not even understood by those who have given the ten (10) things pastors hate to admit in public! What each individual pastor is admitting in these topics they hate to admit, they should indeed be ashamed to admit, as this is not a Christ-like emotion. In Christianity, either the sinful self is in charge of the sinful flesh, or else the life of Christ has full charge; there is never to be a give and take from each, and until this is understood, especially by those who should have learned through their studies and prayers alone, this must be the case in the christian life! Satan for these, has made the Gospel Message quite obscure, and this is why these questions abound!
Jim, if the scripture is to be believed, “there is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” But, it could be that I err in thinking that this would include you. Perhaps you are the exception and have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to admit. Still, as for the rest of us, we know “if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” And “if we claim we have not sinned, we make him [Jesus] out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”
Now, the question remains as to how one should respond to a brother in the body of Christ who recognizes that he is imperfect and dares to confess it? John tells us that “if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One [who] is the atoning sacrifice for our sins.” So that, Paul affirms “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Still, despite this good news, Peter warns those who are elders in the church about an enemy who “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
It seems that whether it is pastorboz, Vern Peterman, Chad Watrous or Jim Tilley the message is the same: “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” Of course, some are willing to practice humility by being open about their growing edges, while others are more likely to accusatorily point out their brother’s imperfectness. Sort of makes me wonder about who is trusting in Christ’s righteousness and who is trusting in his own?
I wrote concerning the Everlasting Gospel, and the correct understanding of it as the reason why these ministers and wives are having great problems within their ministry, because until I was able to say I truly only NOW (30 years into my ministry) have that which the Saviour showed to the apostle Paul, that he could teach the whole world, and especially those who do the work of the ministry in the last days of this Earth’s history. What do I mean?
Dear brother and sister, for I do not truly know to whom I write presently! I must acquaint you with a teaching on the Everlasting Gospel, and if I do this your whole life will again change; therefore, I want to know firstly, are you ready for a complete change in your lives, brought about by words you very probably have not before heard so clearly elucidated? Please again get back to me on this, and because this will take a fair amount of writing, as I do the work of a preacher which is clearly given to us in Isaiah 28: 9, 10, I will make known the True Gospel of the Master and His Father, and it will take some time. And so if you desire this, then why not write me an email, so that I can reply to it, rather than possibly have a problem with length here at Pastor Matt. You have my email addy, and if not, brotherjim01atyahoo.com, and do not use the word “at.” Will await your reply.
Jim, You haven’t shown sufficient evidence to me that you’re capable of rightly dividing the word of truth well enough to be anyone’s teacher — even your own. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks, I don’t think you’re the anointed one.
Clearly, you are NOT in ministry. It is people like you that the pastor is talking about. He stated that he FEELS these things. God created us with EMOTIONS! The problem is that we use these “emotions” as a gauge for “right or wrong”, which they were NEVER MEANT TO BE USED FOR. Emotions are to tell us,
Hmmmm, I seem to be on edge a lot lately. I wonder what is bothering me” NOW, rather than going to blame others for his being “on Edge”, he prays and asks the Holy Spirit to reveal what is going on. He is to NOT “ACT” on the emotion, but to pray to recognize what this particular emotion is trying to tell him. Then he can work on whatever it is. Problem is, even when the Lord reveals what is REALLy bothering him, it is people like you that he is afraid of. Those “expectations” that YOU have that he is not supposed to FEEL these things because they are NOT “Christ Like”!! Um, excuse me! I thought Jesus gave up His diety to be fully man so that he COULD EXPERIENCE every temptation that WE DO!! Yes, he NEVER sinned!! But to say that a pastor should not have feeling or thoughts is ridiculous! ANd as far as school and reading the bible are concerned, until the Holy Spirit gets a hold of you (usually through trials!) many of the worlds in the books are just that! Words. The Sanctification comes through “walking THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death……..” That is when true growth occurs!
A good pastor needs only TWO thingS: TO LOOK TO GOD MOMENT BY MOMENT FOR EVERY SITUATION IN LIFE AND TO BE TEACHABLE!! With this, the pastor cannot fail! Why? you ask. Because if Pastor is seeking the Lord for EVERYTHING with an open mind (not led by the ways of the wind) then even if a situation turns out to be what we consider “negative” (like a family leaving the church”. This is NOT BAD! The pastor was looking to Father for his guidance. The people left anyway. Maybe, just MAYBE, THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE!!! WHAT A CONCEPT! Maybe God took them out of the church so as not to be a pain in the you know what to the congregation anymore! OHhhh, but people will miss them! They were soooo nice! These congregants can still go over to their house to visit them. Just because people leave a congregation does not mean that is negative. I have always said, “i would rather have less people who want to learn, serve, worship and live a Godly life together than more members who just have their own agendas! Believe me, I know this.
So please. Do not make judgements against pastors or their famiies. We are HUMAN. JUST LIKE WHAT JESUS CAME TO EXPERIENCE. ARE YOU PUTTING US ON A HIGHER LEVEL THAN OUR MESSIAH? AS LONG AS PASTOR DOES NOT ACT ON SOME OF THOSE FEELINGS, HE IS WALKING IN THE SPIRIT. BUT TO SAY THAT HE “SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS WAY” IS SOOOOOS WRONG.
IN HIS LOVE
A PASTOR’S VERY JUDGED, ABUSED, HUMILIATED, ANGRY WIFE.
(WHO IS GETTING PROFESSIONAL CHRISTIAN HELP BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE SHE CAN TRULY TRUST!
Think you hit a home run there, Marie. Even better than the original post.
Hey Jim,
Growing up as a Missionary/ Pastor’s Kid I saw my dad go through all of the doubts and insecurities mentioned above, truth be told almost 30 years in He still goes through some of these fears. The fact of the matter is, every one of us wants to be Christ like and we succeed to varying degrees but no one can be Christ like 100% of the time. I sometimes think it’s worse for leaders in ministry, and their family by extension, because if they can’t be Christ like 100% of the time or they admit to some of these feelings, they’re not only letting down the church/congregation, they’re letting down God too. Have you thought about that Jim? It sounds silly, but it kind of boils down to it too. I know what you mean, and you’re right, if we strive to be Christ like more, pray for our leader’s more and recognize who they are in God’s eye’s then maybe some of these doubts won’t exist. But how often do you really pray for your pastor? How often do you consider what he might be going through, if it weren’t for the bravery that this pastor had to admit this? How often have you thanked your pastor (in person or email) for a great message? All I ask Jim, reread this blog, think about how many times you may have been distracted by the latest tv show or visited another church or what have you. Just stop think and pray and wonder what men and women in leadership were called to and why sometimes, we forget that their human… If it helps also reread Titus. It really put it into perspective for me.
Jim Tilly, Pastors are human. I dare say I think the same as you but I will not judge these people who study so hard & listen to the Lord. Then have to tell us about it. Just like I get up on track with God one day & I get up some days and this world has kind of broken my back. It is hard to be Christ like all the time. Besides, isn’t that why Jesus had to come, because we just could not be perfect. So when I read this article I think about all the times I blow it and react in the flesh. Jesus doesn’t drop me on my sinful head, he reaches down and says come on daughter I will help you through this, we will make it together. I think we need to be there for our brothers and sister in Christ. The Pastors and their families are our brothers and sisters, edify them, love them and most of all forgive them as God forgives us. ❤ This is written with love for you Jim and all our family in Christ.
Hate “This is not a Christ-like emotion”?
And shame is?
How about you loosen up ans get rid of your religious spirit?
I think it’s awesome that a pastor takes time to confess his weakness.
Far better than the idiots that don’t and then we get nent out of shape when they do experience weakness without support from their church.
Go repent and quit point in out like a Boy Scout or a Pollyanna, what is or is not an appropriate emotion for a pastor to have. Like you have never experienced hatred of some of your flaws.
I feel sorry for you Jim, because you are obviously being lulled into thinking that you have it all figured out, that Satan is not lurking in you head and heart and that its just you and Jesus rattling around in that sack of bones of yours. The devil is setting you up for a very big fall brother. I’ll pray for you today, that you will be tested in a small way, so that you will learn to lean on Jesus even more BECAUSE of your weakness.
Right on the money Jim. I think pastors talk too much about themselves and how awful their job is, and how busy they are. Just, stop. Life is busy. And basic management skills would greatly help a lot of these guys. Stop forcing what doesn’t work to work. And stop complaining.
I’ve been to countless pastors conferences, and ministry leader trainings and I studied pastoral at university. It’s an epidemic within the church, that pastors single themselves out as a rare chosen few uniquely gifted superior religious know-it-alls. It’s no wonder they feel alone and misunderstood.
I have felt a need for a long time to break away from that destructive model of ministry. I don’t believe in a singular pastoral head. I see a more widely operating body who entrust pastoral care and teaching to a core team of people. Nothing about sermon campaigns and church planting.
Eschew thy Pastore superstar.
You are obviously not a pastor and haven’t been through much for you to comment this way. It’s easy to snipe when you haven’t been sniped at. Easy to criticize when you are at your core critical. Until you have walked that road, fought that fight, or endured the pain of pastoral suffering you have absolutely no right to comment. You are ignorant of the truth. The gospel is not about being emotionless, mindless bots who never have feelings other than peace, love, and joy. It’s about being redeemed in spite of the nature of your humanity. If any one among you thinks he is mighty let him take heed lest he fall. For anyone to say that a pastor that admits his faults is to be shamed, is living in a world where they think they are mighty. I have pity for you when your fall comes. It will be hard and difficult. God’s grace however, will be sufficient for you that in your weakness he may be made stronger. It’s unfortunate that you are too strong to admit you are weak.
I think pastors talk too much about themselves and how awful their job is, and how busy they are. Just, stop. Life is busy. And basic management skills would greatly help a lot of these guys. Stop forcing what doesn’t work to work. And stop complaining.
Maybe that was a little insensitive toward our brethren whom taketh up the cloth. However. I’ve been to countless pastors conferences, and ministry leader trainings and I studied pastoral at university. It’s an epidemic within the church, that pastors single themselves out as a rare chosen few uniquely gifted superior religious know-it-alls. It’s no wonder they feel alone and misunderstood.
I have felt a need for a long time to break away from that destructive model of ministry. I don’t believe in a singular pastoral head. I see a more widely operating body who entrust pastoral care and teaching to a core team of people. Nothing about sermon campaigns and church planting.
Eschew thy Pastore superstar.
I stat recently that came across my desk was that out of 20 pastors who enter into ministry only 1 will retire in ministry. There is a unique dynamic in our culture that makes church leadership toxic for the souls of our pastors. My prayer is that churches would catch a vision for encouraging their pastors to seek deeper levels of spiritual transformation. I am confident that reaching burnout would have happened already if it was not for the ministry of the the Transforming Center and the Transforming Community experience.
What one has to take into account with that statistic is that not all that go into the pastorate are called into it. Today, more than ever, young men AND women enter the “Pastorate” as a “career” or “profession” not considering seriously God’s warning in James 3:1 “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.”
People are entering the “ministry” unqualified in accordance with 1 Tim. 3. There are and should be expectations and standards for Pastors and their wives that are higher than the average congregate. This, also, is another reason people do not “survive” the ministry. As long as the wife sees the Pastorate as her husbands “job” then it will lead to burn out, frustration, depression and failure. It must be seen as a joint calling.
One of my professors in college asked, “Why do you want to be a minister?” If one is truly called then the answer is “I can do nothing else”.
your response is why pastors are afraid to admit these things.
I agree with Steve!
My husband and I have been in the pastorate for 40+ years..he came home last night so discouraged. Then I saw this on a friend’s post today. God is good all the time, and His timing is perfect. This is spot-on…thanks for sharing.
I pray your husband and you are lifted up by God and know that there are Christians who pray for you even before they meet you in heaven one day. Love and Forgiveness are Christ-like. ❤ May we be more Christ-lke when our pastors and there families are discouraged. ❤
This is the article that needs to be read by those experiencing those symptoms – Church Revolution The Need for a Biblical Emancipation
http://godsleader.com/church-revolution-the-need-for-a-biblical-emancipation/
I just followed your link. Are you saying that only the type of leader who you describe would experience “those symptoms”. I lead a church where i’m trying to decentralize ministry from the “paid staff” to the real “church”. I’m frustrated because so many don’t want to “do” anything other than the country club style church. I’m not in it for the money, I took a pay cut 15 years ago to go into paid ministry and haven’t had a pay increase for the last 8 years.
I could go down the route of building a nonprofit business and my pay would increase, the numbers would increase and it would give off all kinds of appearances of success. Probably many of “these symptoms” would disappear from my life. But because I refuse to do that often I experience one or more of the above.
I fully agree. signed “a Pastoral wife”
Why do we expect the pastor to be the superstar?? Is this really the true New Testament model? Where is the functioning of the Body of Christ? It’s not supposed to be about one man serving up a spiritual meal for a bunch of lazy sheep every time the church doors are open! No wonder pastors are discouraged, hurt, burnt out, etc. I blame the cemeteries (a/k/a seminaries) for some of the problem, but they are just really a symptom of a deeper problem. We have moved so far from listening to and hearing the voice of God through the Holy Spirit, that we are lost.
When was the last time you were in a meeting where the Holy Spirit was in charge, and the Body of Christ was actually functioning and participating? See I Cor. 14, especially verse 26
I am in total agreement with what you’re saying. I experienced similar problems over my last 25 years of teaching. There has been such an expectation of everything being entertaining, exciting and fun in the past 30years or so, and the parents expected it too. I remember my earlier teaching years having children (and parents) who only were expected to listen, do their best, and succeed. A pastor is in much the same position, as this article points out.
Too refer to seminaries and cemeteries is quite insulting. No one would want to go to a doctor who felt like vocational training was unnecessary. A person who is truly called into the ministry has an obligation to go through training. (There are some exceptions; I know this isn’t an option for everyone.) A pastor who doesn’t want to go to seminary is saying, “I do not want to go through the process of building a good base of knowledge and skills so that I can be a good pastor.” For seminary graduation does not make you a great pastor; only experience can do that. But there is 1 in a million pastors who will teach themselves hermeneutics, Greek, Hebrew, Christian History, systematic theology, counseling, apologetics, etc. Seminary does teach these things, and creates a solid foundation of academic skills to allow the pastor to be a skilled exegete and to preach Scripture soundly. If you believe that X Seminary or Y Seminary is bad, then you may be right. There are poor seminaries out there. For whatever reason (usually a commitment to values that negate a Sola Scriptura approach to the Bible, Christianity, & ministry), these seminaries are unacceptable institutions to prepare a pastor to lead a Gospel church. But there are many good ones out there. including mine. LORD willing, I will one day be privileged to return, complete a Ph.D., and teach the next generation of pastors.
Nope don’t think so. The “Lord GIVES ” some to be prophets some some to be teachers some to be evangelist, some to be pastors (Ephesians 4:11) seminary is not part of the equasion. The foundation is Jesus Christ Himself. Not seminary. Experience does not make a good pastor that would be the work of the Holy Spirit. Don’t think The Lord cares at all about PhDs or doctorates. Only man cares for those things. First church had no seminaries. Just the teachings of Jesus and the prophets. They were filled with Holy Spirit fire and preached the gospel of Jesus Christ and persecution spurred them on. There was no need for a building, lights, multi million dollar facilities, slurpy machines etc. Pastor is an office of the church not a title. With titles comes entitlement. We all know how it is when someone feels entitled. The sad moanings and the woe is me attitude. i wonder what the apostle Paul would have to say about all this. he was flogged, shipwrecked, imprisoned, chained and ultimately martyred and he never complained. He considered it pure joy to partake of the sufferings of Jesus Christ. The saddest part of this article is that not once did I see Jesus in this or even the mention of His name. Not once! Oh Father forgive us for making it all about us. Have mercy on us. Holy Spirit, you and you alone are our teacher and the word said that YOU would lead us into All truth. Forgive us lord for elevating the office of “pastor” into something it was Never supposed to be. All I know is that the church of today looks absolutely nothing like the 1st church. You are the first and the last, the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. Help us oh God. You bid us to come and die. To die to self daily. May we pick up our cross and come and follow you even unto the death.
There are at least 10 things wrong with these 10 things. A pastor is not a CEO, motivational speaker or recruiter. A pastors job is to shepherd his (and only his) flock and nurture them for God’s use; as He sees fit. A pastor should never enter the field with any other intentions than this. No mega-church, no “best” musical programs, no coolest multipurpose high-tech building, no desire to write books be on TV or radio. If these are your intentions then slap a “coexist” bumper sticker on your car and become a theological whore.
Pastors do not create the culture they find themselves in. Unfortunately, they do have just enough ego to continue to perpetuate it. Thats called being human. And, for what its worth, comments like this are what helps perpetuate #5.
Chad, pastors are shepherds. But if your contention is that shepherding is their one and only job, then I would submit that the role of pastor does not even include preaching. For, preaching is what is done by the prophets. Of course, that preaching was done to shepherd the flock, and a lot of church administration is similarly done as a function of shepheding the flock. And not just preaching and church administration, but a host of other activites fall under the category of shepherding the flock. So, we either have pastors who shepherd and absolutely nothing more, or we have pastors who as a function of shepherding are involved in preaching, church administration, teaching, visiting, caring for the sick, and whatever else it might take in a given context to provide for the proper care and nurturance of the flock.
And, since this is to be done (in your words) “as He [God] sees fit”, then that shepherd that God (rather than Chad) sees fit to call a pastor to be engaged in just might happen to include a mega-church, musical programs, cool multipurpose high-tech buildings, and the writing of books or being on TV or radio. One should limit what God might want his servants to do.
Well said Gene.
Just out of curiosity…Mr. Chad, are you a pastor?
You are obviously not a pastor!
Fine to say that these ten things are wrong but after forty-four years of serving the Lord, gladly, I recognized so much that had transpired in those years that it saddened me. It is also the reason that I retired and will stay retired. I will do no fill ins, guest spots, etc. because I now have time to think, to argue with God, to get down to the depth of my soul and to watch my wonderful wife soar as she explores new things that she couldn’t to as a pastor’s spouse, like, dare I even say it, Zumba! I am glad that I served, would do it again, but that means that I would also be the receiving point of so much trash that it hurt. But, after all, I only follow the path that my Master walked first. I pray for all the pastors out there dealing with all the power hungry parishioners. It is not always a rosy real world.
I am assuming you are not a pastor. The key word here is “struggle”. You know not of what you write.
Ouch Chad! I aspire to none of the things you mention and after 40 yrs in the ministry in my humble opinion this article is spot on! I think he tinges a bit of satire and humor in the article that one must understand to be just that. But his gist on each point is worthy of mentioning and chewing on. Cut the author some slack…just asking-are you a pastor and if so for how long? Blessed Easter to you!
That was pretty rude, Chad.
Chad Watrous…..most pastors don’t enter the field with any other intention but to shepherd the flock to love God and each other with all their heart and to share the gospel with people who are hurting….and then they meet people like you. Apparently, you have become one of the accusers instead of an encourager. This pastor is being transparent and vulnerable in front of people like yourself who can be rude and hurtful and not think a thing about it. Maybe you should pick up the Bible and read James 2:26…3:8-12…..4: 11 & 12.
What a sensitive, non-judgmental response. I’m in awe.
The ultimate downer is when every church wants a “man to take them to the next level” and you are a woman.
Thank you. I agree!
Ha! Back in the day, I used to believe this “lie” that only men could be used by God as Pastors! What evil! Soooooo many women are out there not being used because of what “man” says, instead of God. My husband is 63. I am 52. We have been married for 33 years. About eighteen years ago, we started to have problems. We decided to go to a Wonderful Christian Ministry called Grace Ministries International. However, at that time, the only person they had available was a 30-year-old woman who was married, but had no children. My husband and I had five children. So that makes my husband about 45 and me about 33. At that time, my husband was a pastor. When one looks at this situation WITHOUT spiritual eyes, one MIGHT say, “How can this young woman help us? Shouldn’t we have a man? Yes, ONE COULD SAY THAT! But we did NOT! We were SO desperate for help, we thought, “OK God YOU ARE IN CONTROL!! THIS IS THE PERSON AVAILABLE, SO THIS IS WHO WE WILL USE! And guess what, that was some of the BEST counseling we EVER HAD!! What if my husband was “haughty” and said, “I CANT HAVE A WOMAN TEACH ME (said with DEEP, AUTHORITY IN HIS VOICE! THAT WOULD NOT BE GOD’S PLAN! THIS WOULD BE OUT OF ORDER!!” Well, I am here to say this. If it were not for God using this woman, we would surely be divorced by now! God can and will use ANYONE AND THEIR MISTAKES, AGE, ETC.!
My husband and I a Jewish believers in Yeshua (Jesus). We lived in Israel. Guess what? The churches THERE don’t worry about all of the “stuff” we get caught up in HERE. What we WHERE, WHEN we arrive, What exercise we do, Women pastors…… THEY are worried about bombs! Persecution etc. Yes, they come with their own distinct set of problems, but the stuff we focus on in the church here is NOTHING! A bunch of bored, spoiled busy bodies! Do you know I was accused of “stealing” a four dollar Israeli flag! (Iived in Israel for four years! Why would I steal a flag? We were accused that the women in our congregation skirts were not long enough. (they were at least to their knees. and what business is it of yours anyway if her husband or parent approves. I have been literally been accused of lying. Been told I did not dress properly. The elders were told that I went shopping on the Sabbath. (not that it matters, but I was not even WORKING FOR MY PRESENT EMPLOYER WHEN I SUGGESTED WE GO SHOPPING, BUT IT WAS TOLD TO MY PRESENT EMPLOYER SO THAT I WOULD “GET IN TROUBLE”! Gee!! Wonder why I have such trust issues?? When a congregant wants to meet, I must meet. But whenI want to meet with a congregant, they can just say “NO”. Am I missing something. Why am I treated guilty unless proven innocent? Why does EVERY conversation I have with a member (that turns out to be uncomfortable) get brought to the elders? I can’t even TALK!! Even if the subject has nothing to do with the church!
Sorry to go off on a rant!! This article and the comments just go me going! My husband and I still see a lot of growth and we have a lot of love for people. We try to see them through Jesus eyes, not our own. AND we could NEVER do this without the power of Jesus. Pray for us please! We are burnt out!
I guess he reasons above are why we make the BIG BUCKS, right?
Pastor’s wife Marie
Exactly!! I had a similar reaction and posted below!!!
Most all jobs are discouraging at times. If they weren’t disagreeable in some way, we wouldn’t be paid (much) to do them. I think ministry is difficult because it is linked to idealism. You want your church to be perfect (the bride of Christ), and it wants you and your family to be perfect (like Christ). Unfortunately, human beings and human institutions can’t live up to those standards over the long run.
Churches and their ministers are on a bell curve in terms of size, spirituality, and ability. The practical solution is for a church at one point on its curve to be paired with a minister at the same point on the ministerial curve, but everyone wants a little better than he or she deserves so we all have to work out our own vocational salvation with fear and trembling.
Don’t forget about the pastor’s husband – he can be just as lonely…
This was awesome! Thanks for sharing and being transparent! I agree!
To every Pastor I’ve ever known in my life… especially Pastor Ralph Mumford…. you helped me more than you will ever know… my heartfelt dream is to see you in the Throneroom …
Reblogged this on Conquer Your Day and commented:
After dealing with “Church Hurt” I walked away from the thing that I loved the most…….#Healing #ChurchHurt #restored
real stuff
Comments on the points given:
#1. We Take It Personally When You Leave The Church.
People come and go for various reasons, but I would say that I rarely take it personally. If someone leaves, at times there may even be relief. And we have had a deacon, and an adult teacher leave, apologize, and then come back! We’ve had others leave and come back as well. We will pray for those who leave for the Lord to do with them as He wishes.
#2. We Feel Pressure To Perform Week After Week.
This is just not true. Galatians 2:20, applied to pastors, says, “…it is no longer I who does the teaching, but Christ does the teaching I me, I teach by faith in the Son of God, who loves me and gave Himself for me…” If I feel like I have to perform week after week, then I’m walking in the flesh, and I should not be a pastor.
#3. We Struggle With Getting Our Worth From Ministry.
This is just not true either. My worth does not depend on my ministry – my worth depends on who I am in Christ and who He is in me.
#4. We Regularly Think About Quitting.
This is just not true. I LOVE my job as a pastor, and it is the best job I’ve ever had in my life, and I’ve been here for 12 1/2 years. I never even think about retiring, much less quitting.
#5. We Say We Are Transparent – It’s Actually Opaque.
Most of the commentary seems to be about the wife. My wife and I minister from home, and work together and counsel together. I love it! And part of that is because I love my wife. If I have issues, I tell my fellow elders and I sometimes tell the whole church. But I don’t get the struggles that have been outlined above – they are just not true of me.
#6. We Measure Ourselves By The Numbers.
This is just not true at Holly Hills Bible Church. From before I came, the leadership said that they don’t count ‘nickels and noses’. Oh, sure, we keep track of these things, but God’s word and a focus on Christ are what matters.
#7 We Spend More Time Discouraged Than Encouraged.
This is just not true, either. In reading this pastor’s comments, I began wondering if he is a man who ought not to be in ministry. The comments seem to be often fleshly and earthly rather than heavenly-minded and based on faith.
My encouragement comes from Christ.
Philippians 2:1-2
Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
#8. We Worry About What You Think.
If I worry, that’s sin. And I care a lot more about what God thinks than what other people think.
#9. We Struggle With Competition And Jealousy.
Bullfeathers! Jealousy is sin. I care about the flock that God has put under the elders’ care. A pastor who is struggling with competition and jealousy ought not to be a pastor. I’ll keep my eyes on the Lord, and let Him be responsible for the outcome. If another pastor asks for help, then I’ll gladly help, but my focus is on Christ!
#10. We Feel Like We Failed You More Than We Helped You.
Any pastor who entered ministry to be famous, to change the world and to reach the masses is messed up before he begins. Being a pastor isn’t about me – it’s about Christ! If I teach the word of God and rely on Christ as I do so, then He is responsible for the outcome – not me.
In general, I believe that the man who wrote these things ought to resign or be removed. What I see is a lot of fleshly attitudes, self-reliance, worldly and earthly focus, and a man who should not be a pastor because he has nothing valuable to pass on to anyone else. He is focusing on himself instead of the Lord, and is not walking by faith. I would say none of the points that he wrote about are true of me and my 12 1/2 years as a pastor at Holly Hills Bible Church. I have struggled with things, yes, but not ANY of the ten points above.
Wow. Maybe you should consider not commenting on posts like this. This pastor shares honest struggles – not justifying himself, just sharing what is common to many – and you come across parading how good you are.
We’ll good for you for making this Pastor feel less than adequate AGAIN!!! You talk about all the stuff he was feeling (which he has a right to feel) as sin. We’ll BOASTING is sin. Next time read the article and pray for this man and the MANY MANY others like him instead of doing the worldly thing and putting him down.
I hope your comments are ‘tongue- in – cheek’ because they are the most arrogant and most prideful statements I’ve ever read. I wouldn’t want you to shepherd me or my family.
Vern, How nice it must be to be so self righteous.
I find your comment encouraging, not boastful at all. My husband and I are in ministry and while there are hard times, there is also nothing more rewarding. I believe when things are going so bad that you wanna quit you need to reflect on your personal relationship with the Lord. We need to draw our strength from Him! When we try to fight the good fight with our own strength, that’s when we get burnt out.
Where is your heart? You must be non-human or pretty close to perfect and then we should discuss your ego and pride. These 10 points were open, raw and human. It took a lot of courage for him to be this honest. Instead of suggesting he leave the ministry – because someone like you obviusly has the right answers – find out where this preacher lives – pick up the phone and ask “How can I encourage you, brother?”
We used to teach the kids this little ditty that we kind of sang like an Indian chant… Me me me me I I I I My my my my.. Me me me me I I I I My my my my… We all go through “struggles” So did David.. as spoken throughout the Psalms… But the cool thing is that as we seek the LORD through those “struggles” And meditate in the Word.. Taking every thought captive to bringing them under the obedience of Christ (who was of no reputation) We are Free’d up from the trappings of the flesh the world and the devil. And like David, by the end of almost every rant with the LORD.. He came to the place of forgetting about his enemies and struggles and gave Praise & Glory to God.
you’re hilarious. anything that could be viewed as sin you have no part of. is your name vern or Jesus?
To Vern Peterman – You are an “under shepherd” according to your bio on Holly Hills Bible Church website. Not sure what an under shepherd is but it doesn’t sound like you’re a lead pastor of the church. It seems like you’ve had many professions in your life and being a full-time lead pastor shepherd is not one of them.
Your comments are too high and mighty. You will fall hard when you fall from so high and that will probably cause you to break. Please allow this pastor to be real! He’s being as real as a person can be, and then you tell him he shouldn’t be in the ministry. Your comments are cruel and not is keeping with a pastor shepherd’s heart.
I know some people like you who like to spiritualize everything and can’t relate to “real” people. Sometimes people just need to have their feelings heard. I heard them and have felt all of the same things. I guess most of us Christians just shouldn’t be in miinistry because we are too human with “fleshly attitudes, self-reliance, worldly and earthly focus, and a man who should not be a pastor because he has nothing valuable to pass on to anyone else. He is focusing on himself instead of the Lord, and is not walking by faith.” Please reconsider your words.
Pastor Vern Peterman, you sound like a very holy man. It seems that you have everything under control. Maybe you could write a book or ….you could read the most important book which is God’s Word and take to heart the things that were important to our Lord…..things like loving your brother….things like not using your tongue as a weapon against another. Somehow I don’t think Jesus would have written a rebuttal like you just did….maybe the pastor who wrote these 10 things is not the one who needs examine his heart. From my view, it seems that you need to reread 1 Corinthians 13……1 Corinthians 8:1……
1 Timothy 3:6 & 7
Vern – I don’t know you, but I hope you are hearing the rebuke of your brothers and sisters in Christ. Your comments are self-righteous and judgmental. You say you struggle with some things but not these 10, but that the pastor who struggles with these things should resign or be fired. You should be ashamed of yourself. I mean that. I encourage you to repent and trust in Christ to rescue you from your struggles as I trust in Him to rescue me from mine. Otherwise, the congregation at Holly Hills Bible Church is in danger of being led by a Pharisee.
Thank you! Also, in regards to #1 – I have left churches because of policy changes, better youth programs and even wanting more contemporary music. But never without asking about why a policy is changing and expressing that is not conducive to my way of thinking or beliefs as a Christian. Not without trying to make the youth program better and not having positive results. And not without expressing that a contemporary service would possibly help to keep younger worshipers looking for a church to be plugged in to, as well as add some diversity to the same old service Saturday, Sunday early morning and Sunday late morning. So, when I’ve left a church, if the reasons why weren’t known by those who should know, it’s because they weren’t listening when I was asking.
Correction: “This is just not true. Galatians 2:20, applied to pastors, says, “…it is no longer I who does the teaching, but Christ does the teaching in [not I] me
Vern, even pastors struggle with sin. It is sin that causes many of the issues above, which is why I often have some of those same struggles as a pastor, but it doesn’t exempt me from being a pastor, it just makes me an imperfect pastor, being daily transformed by the grace of Christ.
Great stuff, especially, “after 2 minutes of un-investigated reflection – that your 30 hours of study and 2 collegiate degrees were wrong.”
Just wish I was transparent enough to like this post on Facebook!
For the most part I can see how many of these things can happen to a pastor. But I think number 1 is a bit problematic. I agree with the points he made as to how many people can leave for silly reasons, but you really can’t say these are the only reasons people will leave a church. Sometimes people really find better churches, and I’m sure the author doesn’t complain when people come to his church from other churches.I have a hard to imagining him sending people back because their previous pastor just might be offended if you stay. That’s called people pleasing.
Nor does pastorboz say with regard to #1 that those are the only reason people leave. Indeed he doesn’t even say that it is wrong to leave — in fact, if you read some of the previous discussion you will find that he recognizes that there are many reasons that people leave one church and go to another, and he isn’t putting anyone down for leaving — he is just saying that “when you leave to another church *BECAUSE* [of] (insert any of these reason you labeled as silly) it hits us personally.” Perhaps the better word than “hits” might have been “hurts”, and perhaps it might have been better if he spoke more personally and less aggregately. But again, the focus of the blog was to reveal the inner dynamic that (many) pastors experience, not to make commentary on the lives of parishioners.
It really shouldn’t hit or hurt them personally. Churches are not one size fits all. If congregants leave a church for another, it’s most likely because they’ve found a better fit. You may think it’s a silly reason (The music is from the hymnals of the 1800’s). But really, some people feel praise and worship music better suits them to get ready to worship, and charge them up for the rest of the week.
Shouldn’t and doesn’t are two different things, Karen.
You’re correct, Gene. Shouldn’t and doesnt are two different things. If it hurts, you take things too personally. The point of my post is one size doesnt fit all, not the semantics of shouldn’t and doesn’t. They left because they no longer fit. Boom. They found a different place to see if it’s a fit. You can’t please everyone. Don’t try, and don’t take it personal.
Great pastor…. love it. Your church is blessed .
To Vern…Pride comes before a fall. Are your legs shaking yet? If not, and you keep that attitude, they will be right before you land on your holler-than-thou face. You are a pastor and you did two things a pastor should NOT do…judge and discourage.
People are entering the “ministry” unqualified in accordance with 1 Tim. 3. There are and should be expectations and standards for Pastors and their wives that are higher than the average congregate. This, also, is another reason people do not “survive” the ministry. As long as the wife sees the Pastorate as her husbands “job” then it will lead to burn out, frustration, depression and failure. It must be seen as a joint calling.
One of my professors in college asked, “Why do you want to be a minister?” If one is truly called then the answer is “I can do nothing else”.
Having served in ministry for over 26 years. I look back at the things that might have made a bigger impact or protected my family from the dangers of “burn out” and I leave you with this:
Take care of your wife and children, do not neglect them for the “excuse” of ministry. Demonstrate your love for them by spending quality time with them. Honor your wife and train up your children in the ways of the Lord. Pay attention to their needs. Your family is your “fruit”. If you have bad fruit in the home you will produce bad fruit in the church. I refer you back to 1 Tim. 3:4-5
“4 He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity 5 (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?)”.
Take time away with your family on vacations regularly and go on dates with your wife weekly. 🙂 Blanket everything in prayer 🙂
Here’s what I expect of a pastor and it’s not much really or maybe I don’t think it’s much.
#1 – a pastor, who like you say, cares about his congregation.
I’ve been in churches where I have left simply because it became a game of who’s who. I felt like the pastor started his church simply to gain business for his business outside of church, friends for his kids, to become more popular himself and to garner support for his wife who is a school teacher. This is something I do not particularly appreciate. If those are that apparent to me, then it is very apparent to others and others will follow doing the same exact thing – which did happen. Going to church is not a popularity contest, it’s not about the pastor, his family or the life they can gain from it, but it’s about God and his word. I am not saying I don’t care about the pastor, I do and did very deeply as a friend, but that was not a reciprocation to many of the church members who were there for the right reasons, they were passed off to tend to the baseball flock or their kids friends flock or their personal business flock, while others were tossed aside. It made more than several of the congregation not worthy of God’s love.
#2 – up-to-date music is not important to me.
I’d rather hear and sing the old hymns. Those are the ones that really and truly fill your soul with what God teaches. Up-to-date music clouds the mind of today’s church politics. I also feel like those recording/ singing are more into selling records than selling souls to God. I don’t care about politics, I care about what happens to my soul during life and after death. I have woken up one morning at an event we attended while camping in a pasture to the sound of “Amazing Grace” sung by memory of those singing it. I woke up in tears because I had never felt closer to God than I did at that moment as the sun rose over the horizon and the song being sung. That was THE most blessed feeling I have ever felt because God was truly there and he wasn’t out to make money. I’m not saying also that I don’t like those up-to-date songs, I just don’t feel like they belong in church replacing the old hymns. They are part of my weekday radio programming, where in my opinion they belong.
#3 – preach to me. I was to have a good sermon each week, something I can follow. Not something obscure, with a slide show, videos and a live band playing.
Those are not my thing. Do congregations really think it’s their thing? I’m not there for the visual and tactile entertainment. I am in church to listen to God speak through my pastor with a good sermon. A sermon, a sermon, a sermon, a serious sermon, because I am not there for entertainment. If I wanted entertainment, I’ll go buy a ticket to the latest country band or go to a carnival.
That being said, I will sometimes fall asleep in church if the sermon is too long, so bear with me, I am not in REM and I somehow do still listen. Please don’t take offense because no matter what I still appreciate a good sermon. It’s not because I stay up late, and I’ve also found that it happens to a lot of hard working people who are just plain whipped from the week. Probably why God created one day of rest.
#4 – as the preacher, don’t worry about what others think. You are human, you have a life too.
If you want to play baseball, go out with friends, celebrate a birthday, go to a concert, dress in jeans, have some drinks, barbecue or what ever it is you want to do, dress or see fit to do. It’s your life! Don’t let other’s run it. To me it’s not about how you run your life as a pastor, it’s how you treat others while doing it. As I said above, I was not sitting in judgment on a prior pastor, I was stating the obvious. That pastor did not treat his congregation equally, he picked and chose his following based on personal gain. I personally have friends from all walks of life, from poor to rich, from drunks to staunches – it makes no difference to me – you treat me as an equal and you will get the same in return no matter who you are. I believe that’s the way God wants it. I will reach out a hand to help anyone, I will listen to anyone’s problems and issues and keep that confidence secure, not discussing it with another soul other than God. I will not laugh at someone else’s circumstances, but I also will not flaunt my friends, nor ridicule those with lesser, they are who they are.
#5 – do not be jealous.
To me that is one thing that goes against God almost as much as killing another. Jealousy leads to so many other bad things – rage, adultery, murder, theft and so much more. It’s not worth coveting what you have or coveting that which others have. Be happy in the place you are in and only you can make things better or worse by action, not reaction. Jealousy has no place in anyone’s life. That is something for which God expects us to overcome.
#6 – even if they are not part of your congregation, be there for them.
One of the pastors around here that I admire and respect more than anything, I don’t even go to his church. He told me that if I ever needed to pray to call or stop by and that I have. The fact that he truly meant it without any expectation for appearance (though I am sure he secretly does hope I will come on Sunday) means more to me than anything in the world. He’s real, he meant what he said and he follows through. Yes, I have prayed for him, his family and given thanks as well.
#7 – don’t swamp a new person to church, it’s a turn off.
I considered entering a baptist church here were I live. I went on one given Sunday to listen to the sermon and see the interaction within the church. As I walked in the door, I was swamped by a mob, who then made way for the pastor to hit me up. Then in the following weeks, congregation members came to my house multiple times, to save my soul, to preach to me, etc. until I finally had to tell them I would never be back. I would love simple hello’s from the pastor, a quick prayer to make me welcome and no mobs, no continuous visits over weeks worth of time. I do not want to be made to feel like I have to run from a church because of the overwhelming urge to have another number on a board. These people were just near hateful in the fact that I do not like crowds and did not like being chased down. Quite the turn off.
#8 – children and church, we do not need to every waking moment a waking moment filled with things for kids to do.
Sometimes kids just need to play and have time with family. I went to a church where I absolutely loved the pastor. He gave great sermon’s, he cared about the kids and the adults, he took time to have a night of open house hours and gave of himself through God to those who just needed to talk and was there by phone if something arose. He was removed from the church because he didn’t do enough with the kids. The congregation honestly expected too much from him and apparently didn’t read the bible themselves. They expected him to have something going on nightly for the kids. THIS is a congregational, society, community problem and one to tell you the truth that sucks! These folks expected someone basically to babysit their children so they didn’t have to. If this is your congregation, it’s pointless, leave and gather a congregation that truly believes in God. I don’t even know where to begin with this one as I’m not sure this was a pastor problem at all. I know what I believe, that it’s the parent’s responsibility to raise their children, others are there only to help in times of need, not to raise your children FOR you and I certainly don’t expect my pastor to fill every waking moment of my child’s time.
#9 – don’t do TOO much.
This kind of goes along with the statement in #8. Churches now I believe do too much for their communities. So much so that some that don’t need it take from those who do in the name of “giving”. You are not giving if you are stealing from someone else or you are not teaching people to be responsible for themselves. Yes, I know, times have changed, people do not expect to be self-reliant anymore. For example, giving school supplies – in one part I believe that could be a good thing, but truly and honestly, basic school supplies do not cost all that much. I am raising a second family and when school supplies are on sale during the before the beginning of school, there are very few who couldn’t find a way to afford them. But churches now are expected to give school supplies away and I think that is wrong. There are several reasons why, 1) the general population takes advantage of this, even the church congregation themselves – simply because it’s free to them. They don’t need it, most of them can afford it. 2) Most children won’t be left behind. The fact that they are being taught that they don’t have to work for something is beyond comprehension to one (me) being brought up in a different era. It’s not just about school supplies, it’s about those who don’t plan in advance, those who don’t pay their electric, water or heat bills and come begging churches for help. There are some who do truly need an extra helping hand, but many who don’t, but use the church because the offer is there and they can. Missions is another there are issues with, is the mission truly a mission because I personally know many that it’s just a great trip outside the U.S. for them, which is disconcerting.
#10 – So I have said a lot and some of which people will or will not agree with, and that’s okay – I answer to Him, not others. I am fond of the old country back churches where expectations are not so high for the pastor and for the community. To preach the real word of God, instead of as some form of Sunday entertainment or community entertainment. I need to hear what God says, through His words.
Spot on. Thanks for writing this.
Wow, what a response! I appreciate the honesty. It makes me more aware of approaching my pastors keeping their “humanness” in mind. Personally, I think we (congregants) need to pray more and criticize less. Go to a church that GOD has led you to and hang in there until HE clearly wants you to move – believe it or not, it’s not all about us!!!
It’s easy to see why pastors hate to admit things publically.
I’m not a pastors wife, but have been friends with those in leadership. My pet peeve is………….WHY NOT JUST BE TRULY OPEN WITH ME. I always walk away feeling like there’s something wrong with me because I crave honesty and there’s no way I’ll get it. Am I nuts?
I am sorry that you feel that leaders in your life are not fully honest with you. As a pastor’s wife, I will tell you that I, personally, will not lie, but it is not uncommon for me to hold back the nitty gritty details. Why? It’s because I have been hurt. Badly. It is not always easy to know who to trust. And I am human. Please extend grace to your leaders. Just because they do not divulge everything, it does not mean that they are being dishonest, nor does it mean that there is something wrong with you. Our needs can only be truly fulfilled in Christ, and it is unfair to demand that any friend, family member, pastor, or even spouse fulfils them.
The only effective way I’ve found to deal with “#3. We Struggle With Getting Our Worth From Ministry.” is to constantly bathe in God’s word about my worth to Him. That strengthens my spirit. Then to, as much a possible, ignore both good and comments made this starves my own ego. Sad thing is though it has also starved my emotions so while I can say I not that discouraged when someone complains I also find my ability to rejoice dampened when someone likes whats going on.
I grew up in the church as the pastor’s kid and I agree wholeheartedly with your points. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable enough to admit your true thoughts and feelings about what is often a misunderstood job/calling. After forty years, my parents retired and are now thoroughly enjoying retirement (which means they serve in church without the pressures of unrealistic expectations and judgments of others). Keep on running the good race; God bless you.
Because you are a PK, I completely understand the intent of your comments regarding your parents enjoying their retirement; however, I do not think you understand that Yahuwah Eloah desires that all Christians understand they are to be ministers in full standing on this Earth. These are a few of the things that were not brought into the Christian life, through the Sacred Scriptures:
1/ Father nor Son, ever expected anyone to build huge edifices into being, so that people could come together every Sabbath and meet there! We all must understand, the Temple in Jerusalem, was a needed place to have, before the Master came into the world AS US, and between Gethsemane and Calvary, died Second Death AS US, thus paying he debt all mankind has accrued as sinners. It was a misconception brought about by the people, that the great Basilicas created by the Papal See were after the desires of the Creator Yahuwah Eloah. As you read through some of the Epistles of Paul, you will see there were home churches where people would come together, in the early Christian church, and this was where a number of people came every Sabbath, met and shared the Master’s Supper together, and where there was very likely a sermon, and a fellowship of believers there, and likely next Sabbath, one of those attending that past Sabbath, would have all to his or her home.
2/ It was the duty of all Christians to be in the ministry! This is made clear in Matthew 20: 20 – 28, where Messiah makes it quite plain, there is to be among the Christian brethren and sisters, only one Boss, and that One Was Messiah. Christians must understand, as Messiah died AS THEM between Gethsemane and Calvary, today, we are to recognize this and even profess in the morning after awakening, that this is known and understood to the Father in the Name of the Son. And so if we are dead, the very REASON for baptism being instituted, and these words spoken by Mark: Mark 16: 16, then we must consider our “selves” dead, as Christ died AS US ALL, and ask the Father at this early morning prayer time, for the Spirit of Christ to come and live in our sinful flesh AS US, so the Spirit can live a sinless life in our sinful flesh, and preach and do the work necessary for the whole world to learn this true message that has strangely gone astray for what I feel is well over a millennium, that the work of the Spirit in planet Earth create upon this fallen planet a True ekklesia, living by the Scriptures in obedience to the very life of Messiah when He walked among us, and this life does NEVER stop, as to allow the self to take control of our sinful flesh, is to agree with the sin that most definitely will follow!
These are just a few messages that can be understood quite readily, ONCE the True Gospel is learned by Christians whose only Teacher has been the Sacred Scriptures, and the indwelling Spirit of Christ!
I am so very grateful for your article. My husband and I have pastored for over 15 years and have learned so much serving the Lord in this position. After reading the many comments on this post, your article became that much more important to me because it proves that living this life we live before the Lord is so misunderstood. There is a reality that Senior Pastors and their families feel and only people who walk in their shoes or truly love them aside from their title will be able to see it. Your article encouraged me to keep going, thank you!!!
All I wanted to say was, thank you for sharing. I appreciate you being courageous and transparent. May God strengthen all of us who work in His Kingdom. God Bless…
Hmm…I thot that I enjoyed the article and agreed with the intent. However, now that I’ve read the criticism from those who’ve never had a down day or an unguarded thot, I have decided not to admit this publicly. I’ll just finish out my last few years before retirement knowing that some churches have perfect pastors (and that my church doesn’t). Oh, well…
Thank you for writing this Pastor Matt. I mean, I replied to one person’s comment and I found myself getting stupidly defensive so I thought I would just comment to you directly. I do have to agree to a certain extent with some of the nay sayers of your post. Where is God in all these thoughts? And then I realize the biggest thing that most pastors (or Christians for that matter) don’t like to admit is that we aren’t perfect Christ followers. We don’t have the Bible memorized, we don’t always turn the other cheek or feed the hungry, clothe the naked or give water to the thirst. We aren’t those Christians, until we see or read someone else admit that we aren’t. Does that make sense? I wish we were. I mean really I do. I don’t always pray to God for that but I always do wish it, which is slightly different in my mind. Anyway, I pray that this article can encourage pastors to realize they are not alone in some of these doubts, pastor’s wives to find comfort and pastor’s kids to realize that they are just kids too. And I pray that in this introspection, you can find the 10 things that you can admit to yourself because God says it’s okay too. 🙂
The lack of compassion for struggling Pastors in some of these comments is absolutely stunning.
Reblogged this on Blue Chip Pastor and commented:
This are absolutely true (to one degree or another) no matter how hard we try to deny it.
There’s a reason 1600 men, it is said, are leaving the ministry every month. If that be true that is staggering. And there is a reason that 80% of pastor’s wives say the worst thing that ever happened to them was the day their husbands surrendered to preach. Anyone who doubts what this brother writes either is inexperienced, delusional or you haven’t had your waterloo yet. Rest assured, it’s coming dear brother–several of them. We are called to “suffer” and we will certainly do that with Jesus. There are many mountain tops in ministry; many great experiences, but there are many more bad times. Evidently that is the way it is supposed to be. David Livingstone the missionary talked about “daily disappointments” and conflicts with people. Let this brother “sigh” a little. I’ve done it many, many times when I’ve had my guts ripped out by the cruelty of people. We still love them and we still go on by His mighty Grace. But it does my heart good to hear that another brother is walking down the same road as I am. Amen.
Wow! Share your struggles whether in leadership or in the congregation and see how fast people jump all over you with judgmental and condemning thoughts – backed up by Scripture, of course. When we use Scripture as a baseball bat to whack people into what we think they should be, we lose the compassion and love God has called us to show each other. No wonder people are not breaking down the doors of our churches to be included in our Christian family. We still shoot our wounded.
Personally I have a ministry that includes all the aforementioned issues and much more including having to deal with my own ( perceived) inadequacies. I struggled for years with the pain and frustrations until God finally got thru to me that it wasn’t about me. The verse he finally was able to get into my think skull was the one that tells us how we are to put our hand to the plow and NOT look back – once I stopped looking back . . it all changed. Praise God
Thank you for sharing. This is spot on!
thanks for the ideas. i enjoyed your post.
Thank you for this blog post. I am curious if you have a top 5 or top 10 list of things a congregation’s leadership can do to be empathetic, encourage and help its pastor(s) with these struggles? Maybe that is the next blog post … Thanks again for sharing this, just reading this has increased my empathy for my pastor(s).
This is helpful! I’d only add to it that for those of us who are women pastors, many of these things are intensified about a hundredfold!
Is the sermon the climax of your worship service? Perhaps there should be more worship and less sermon.
“Perhaps there should be more worship and less sermon”? The sermon is worship too!
Or some Sundays no musical worship….or some Sundays no spoken sermon. Or some Sundays full of testimonies of what God’s doing. Or some Sundays where the congregation shouts out what songs to do or starts them spontaeneously…. All with proper decorum, of course… 🙂
#11 – Pastors are afraid to admit that they’re trapped in an Americanized church system that forces them to preach in exchange for the false security of a salary, and whose format teaches people a lot about God but doesn’t lead them into deep relationship with Him or require that they make that their own pursuit and passion.
One more thing pastors hate to admit is they are atheist, agnostic or have serious doubts about the personal action of God.
“Today pastors are generally more open about their struggles than previous generations, but we still sense there is a threshold that is not to be crossed. People want open, honest and real, but not too much. Generally churches want just enough so they feel safe with you, but not so much that it spoils the expectations they have of you. Unfortunately the threshold is a blurry line by which pastors never know how much is too much until its too late. After a couple of infractions we learn that opaque is safe – even if it’s isolating.”
Yes.
I’ve worked as a religious educator, and attended seminary, and have many minister/minister-to-be friends, and I really feel like you’ve hit the nail on the head here. There is so much that many people don’t realize about ministers — or about the expectations that they carry about their ministers.
Me and my wife are planting a church- i loved this.
Reblogged this on Ryan A. Sturgis Quotes and commented:
Loved this!
Oh my goodness, some of these comments are so angry and mean I cannot read any more. First of all, a Happy Easter to a dear, dear Man of the Word. This collection of confessions is honest and human and true. Who could take issue? (And who has the righteous audacity to quite the Bible TO A PASTOR? Shuddering.) It makes me want to pray for our spiritual leaders more, be ever more mindful of their loneliness and need for atta-boys (we all need those), and hope that most people are grateful for their pastors. We cannot expect them to be entirely selfless, opaque ascetics devoid of emotion. Your congregation is lucky to have you!