When Ellen and I were first married ministry was not our 20-year plan, the Navy was. We had it all planned out; we were to spend the next 20 years with me being gone for 15. The Navy explained to my sweet new bride how grueling it would be, that I would be gone often and that even when I was around my mind would be elsewhere. Knowing that my particular career path in the Navy would be a marriage destroyer I pursued a discharge for the pursuit of higher education. With the promise of a difficult future behind us we embarked upon an easier dream where everyone would love us and things would be calm: pastoral service.
Twenty plus years later I can tell you it has been a ride we never could have anticipated. So much so that only now do I feel equipped enough to share a few things I either lacked the clarity or courage to share until this season of life. I want to share the 10 things we as pastors don’t really want you to know about us. Now in doing so my aim is not to rat out my fellow pastors. Nor am I doing this so congregants sleep with one eye open regarding their leadership. My intention is precisely the opposite. I hope that from this:
- Churches will pray all the more for their pastors because they understand the challenges.
- Churches will be doubly grateful for the fact that so many pastors stay in the saddle despite their fears, hurts and frustrations.
- People in churches will think twice before engaging in things that sink deep into the soul of their leaders.
Therefore I give a glimpse into what we as pastors don’t like to admit about ourselves.
#1. We Take It Personally When You Leave The Church.
It’s just a straight up fact. We pastors eat, drink and sleep the local church and with that have a deep desires to see it thrive. Therefore when you leave to another church because…
- you’re bothered by a recent decision, but didn’t ask about it…
- the new church has a bigger and better kids wing, youth group, worship team, building space, (fill in your blank)…
- your friends started going there…
… it hits us personally.
For us it feels disloyal, shallow or consumer driven. People affirm that church is a family, thus when you up and leave because the church down the road has Slurpee dispensers, a fog machine or it’s just cooler, well it jams us pretty deep.
#2. We Feel Pressure To Perform Week After Week.
The average TV show has a multimillion-dollar budget, a staff of writers and only airs 22 weeks out of the year; that’s what we feel we’re up against. Where the pressure is doubled comes from the previous point. We know there are churches near by with a multimillion-dollar budget or a celebrity pastor who have the ability to do many more things at a much higher level. From this a sense of urgency is created in our mind to establish the same level of quality, option and excellence to meet the consumerist desires of culture.
Now if this were exclusively in the hopes of reaching new people this wouldn’t be so bad, but increasingly pastors feel the need to do this just to retain people who may be stuff struck by the “Bigger and Better” down the way.
#3. We Struggle With Getting Our Worth From Ministry.
When the numbers are up, the complements are flowing and the people are lively we feel great. When everything is level, it feels like it’s in decline. When things are actually in decline, it’s a full-tilt tailspin in our soul. We almost can’t help but equate the growth of the church with our ability/inability to produce growth. Therefore if there is any appearance of waning we feel defeated and wonder how long before the church board wises up and trades us to another team. The “Idol of Ministry” comes on and off the shelf pretty regularly in a pastor’s office.
#4. We Regularly Think About Quitting.
This comes in two very different forms.
One form is the variation of perhaps leaving ministry all together. While there are some really great things about vocational ministry, there are also less enjoyable realities such as: pastors’ families are noticed (i.e. judged) routinely, pastors’ purchases are observed (i.e. judged) overtly and pastors’ words are weighed (i.e. judged) consistently. Therefore the ability to hide among the masses and not be noticed is very appealing.
The second form comes with the desire for a change of scenery. Pastors are shepherds, thus we love greener grass even more than sheep. To leave for a bigger budget, better building or a place with less difficult people (yeah, we get delusional sometimes) stands out as lush Kentucky Bluegrass when contrasted with the dusty patch of ragged earth called “our current church.” This “Greener Grass Gawking” usually occurs when we become too proud (“My gifts are better than this place”) or too insecure (“I stink and just need to start over”) and flows from #3.
#5. We Say We Are Transparent – It’s Actually Opaque.
Today pastors are generally more open about their struggles than previous generations, but we still sense there is a threshold that is not to be crossed. People want open, honest and real, but not too much. Generally churches want just enough so they feel safe with you, but not so much that it spoils the expectations they have of you. Unfortunately the threshold is a blurry line by which pastors never know how much is too much until its too late. After a couple of infractions we learn that opaque is safe – even if it’s isolating.
When pastors’ wives are polled on how it feels to be the spouse of someone in full-time ministry the #1 answer is one profound word, “Lonely.” They are around hundreds of people every week, but they never feel they can let their guard down because they know people have opinions on how a pastor’s wife should be. Now I know people say they don’t, but literally every church I have served in has shared unflattering stories of the previous pastor’s wife. Many of these stories came from the spiritually mature leadership who considered the pastor and his wife to be their friends. The real irony comes in when later in the conversation I would be told, “But don’t worry, we don’t have any expectations on your wife. We just want to love on her.” Right! Now I don’t blame people for this natural human tendency, but being aware of how things are keeps you relationally opaque. And it’s not merely pastors and their wives who insulate. Pastoral families at large feel alone because there is a certain level of unknown expectations buried like landmines through the field of the church and so there is a constant mode of mostly transparent.
#6. We Measure Ourselves By The Numbers.
Numbers don’t matter! Yeah right. No matter how badly we want to slap that bumper sticker on our Ford the reality is that numbers matter to us. And they matter to us it part because they matter to God. The problem however goes back to #1-3. The absence of growth in our churches can cascade into an internal turmoil by which we begin to scrounge for “The Next Big Thing” that will bring “Radical Growth” “Guaranteed.” So we read books on how to be a “Deep & Wide, Vertical, Purpose Driven, Radical Reformission, Creature of the Word, Big Idea, Center Church.” Then we jet off to a conference with thousands of other pastors who are seeking to glean the secret of success. And what is the first question we ask one another between sessions? “So, how big is your church?” Yep, we measure ourselves by the numbers.
#7 We Spend More Time Discouraged Than Encouraged.
Occasionally people say to me, “Must be awesome to get paid to study the Bible all day.” Every time they do I think to myself, “Must be awesome to be able to give someone the finger on the 520 without people saying, ‘The pastor at Redemption Church flipped me off today during rush-hour.’” I’m not fully sure why that is the comment that flashes across my mental dashboard, but I think part of it stems from what I perceive to be the tone of the comment. Rightly or wrongly I infer they are saying, “Must be nice to have such a cush gig as a paid quiet-time.” In all honestly it is pretty awesome to be paid study the Bible, but it’s a major downer when people:
- tell you – after 2 minutes of un-investigated reflection – that your 30 hours of study and 2 collegiate degrees were wrong.
- tell you that they just couldn’t stay awake today during your sermon, but no offense. (How about I fall asleep at your kid’s graduation and we’ll call it even.)
- tell you how you should have also said…
- tell you how Pastor So-N-So says…
Aside from these particular examples I find that for most pastors it generally feels like the boat is taking on water more than racing with the wind – regardless of size or rate of growth. Lead pastors particularly suffer from this since much of their job is to focus on seeing things get better, which often translates into focusing on the broken, lacking or unfilled parts of the church more than enjoying what is right and working. Many of the most faithful and fruitful pastors in history have suffered deeply with anxiety and depression for the same reasons.
#8. We Worry About What You Think.
We’re human and we want to be liked. Therefore when we know we’re going to do or say something people won’t like, we worry about it. Now when I say that I don’t mean to infer that it causes us to avoid the hard things. There are some of my fellow pastors who avoid challenging topics or decisions out of fear of people, but most of the ones I run with still choose deliver the mail regardless of the popularity of its message. Yet we still worry about how you may take it.
#9. We Struggle With Competition And Jealousy.
We like to hold ourselves above the petty fray and reiterate, “It’s all about the Kingdom,” but in reality pastors are a competitive bunch. As soon as one pastor asks another, “How big is your church?” the game is on if the two churches are within 20 miles of each other (past 20 miles we lighten up a lot and think each other is pretty cool). Within 20 miles however we begin to assess one another’s style, focus, message, sophistication and marketing. We gauge to see if it’s a “Goldilocks Church” – not to deep, not too shallow, but just right (like us). If you’re too deep we benchmark you as internally focused. If you’re too shallow we brand you as consumer-driven. If however we conclude that you too are a “Goldilocks Church” we then figure out how our church is still better than your church. If you have lame amenities, we critique that you will never grow until you reboot that 70’s sanctuary. If you have awesome amenities, we criticize that you grow only because people are shallow and care more about stuff than Scripture.
Yes we know it’s not right. We know that it’s ego driven, but we still fall victim to it. We believe our church is the best church ever and we can’t understand why everyone doesn’t see it.
#10. We Feel Like We Failed You More Than We Helped You.
Most pastors will never be famous. Most churches will never break the 100 mark. Yet we all entered ministry to change the world and reach the masses. With this we know it is the expectation of churches that we accomplish this very thing. Every job posting reinforces the idea with the sentence, “We are looking for a man that will take our church to the next level.” Then when the next level isn’t hit in the way anticipated or within the timeline envisioned – we feel like we failed you. This is especially true in light of the reality that we are our own biggest critics. We came in with expectations higher than anyone in the church. You look to us for direction and when we feel like we failed to produce we feel like we failed you.
The Everyday Missionary 
My decision to leave my previous church was not a shallow one. For the longest time, I felt that I was not valued or wanted. For that matter, my pastor did not care for me or for my family. We were too broken for that church. I think my pastor was glad I left. I was hurting and he turned his back on me. I am in a better place now. The church is small. I am getting healed there. There are a lot of people who feel wounded by the church. I am sorry you take someone’s leaving personally, or feel that they are shallow Christians because of it. Some Pastors are not very good and they have no idea how they hurt people.
Annette… I do believe there are good reasons to leave churches, that some pastors are punks and that unfortunately both pastors and parishioners inflict pain on one another due to pride, ego and control. I am sure sorry for the pain you faced and I am glad you are in a better place.
I would like to point something out to you. For one I hope you know that a pastors ministry is important, yes but when he takes care of his ministry more than he does his family, he has begun to sin. Also A church does not heal you. Last time I checked only Jesus can heal you through repentance.
Last time I checked Scripture said, “Confess your sins, each to one another” and “And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; or again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”'” which clearly indicates that God works through the church to help our brothers and sisters heal and grow. As the church we are to “build up one another in love”, we are to “provoke one another to good works, we are to “rejoice with those who rejoice and grieve with those who grieve”, etc.
I will agree and say that pastors that neglect their families for their ministry are in sin and could learn a lot about boundaries, delegation and even work-aholism.
How many of us would support a pastor with prayer, time and funding to join a support group for pastors where they can come and be real, praying together and holding each other accountable in grace and truth? I bet that and more tithing in the church could turn around many a troubled pastor!
Kit Hill, Ed.D. LMFT
The New Life Group.
Jimmy, if you believe that the Church is the Body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27) then the Church can heal someone.
The Bible says: “By His stripes, we are healed”. And not by the “Body of Christ”. However, the Church could provoke healing by a prayer of agreement and citing the relevant scriptures to validate their requests.
The problem of course, is that when pastors do pull back from the church to spend more time with family, the church is the first to pounce and accuse the pastor of neglecting the church, especially with “how much he/she is being paid”. It is a very, very delicate balancing act, trying to keep everyone happy.
With all due respect, Christian worship and praxis is Not. About. You.
“Yes you work hard as a pastor blahblahblah but WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE??!”
You’re right.
Pastors(and their families) should NEVER have hurt feelings, should never feel discouraged, should never feel lonely, etc.
How dare they express their thoughts and feelings?
How dare they reveal their very real, very honest struggles?
Only lay persons and those in the pews are allowed to be discouraged or needy.
The next time a pastor or spouse of a pastor or child of a pastor reveals any hint of pain, discouragement, or struggle let us all remind them instantly that it is Not.About.Them.
Let us all forget that the pastor and his family are human beings and are also part of the Body of Christ and therefore require fellowship with other believers and should receive love and encouragement.
In fact, they should be emotionless robots.
Because it’s Not.About.Them.
As a Pastor I understand what he say’s, A Pastor should care when a person leaves, having worked as an associate I can understand Annette’s feeling I have seen it. Unfortunately some don’t care, but please understand that Pastors who really have a Pastors Heart love their people and do care, sometimes we don’t know how to fix the problem until we know there is one. I once had a family stop coming, I went to see them, It seems his wife had told them I had removed them from a position, which wasn’t the truth, after spending time with him, he knew it was a total misunderstanding, his wife had told him a lie. the problem was he never came to me, and before I realized his problem with me, he had bad mouthed me to all kinds of people. I forgave them, encouraged them to come back, but in his mind the damage was done. He didn’t fell comfortable. So, my advice is if there is something wrong let the Pastor know to at least try to do something. Maybe he can, and if he doesn’t care, then shame on him.
It is good you have found a home and I hope you can reach out to help others that have found them self in your past shoes.
People do care but many don’t know how to express it.
My question is, Whose ministry is it, your’s or God’s? If it’s yours then you’ve got a problem. If it’s God’s All He requires of you is to rest and let him handle everything. Isn’t it up to him how many people come to church? The things people say to, and about you are on them not you. The battle is about principalities, powers, and the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. It is not about you Dear Brother. Rest and let Christ be your power source. If you feel lead, give this book a read. “Grace Walk” by Steve McVey
God bless.
Of course we have a problem… it’s sin. The Church is Jesus’ and we know it, but there is this whole batch of feelings that conflict with what we know to be true. I’ve met a lot of pastors and these reflect every one of their challenges. The ones that say none of these have applied to their life are perhaps not being honest.
I’m a pastor of a small country church about a mile outside of town. I relate tremendously with a lot of what you have written. On this topic, I know full well it is God’s ministry, but on Sunday morning when it doesn’t go just right, I find myself fighting these emotions the rest of Sunday and Monday or longer, then the rest of the week trying to re-convince myself it is God’s ministry and I have to get out of the way. I’ve had some tremendously bad experiences at my previous 2 churches, and this has lead to a trap door mentality where I feel like it will open every Monday if I don’t perform perfectly (going back to point 2 where we feel we have this show that has to be performed instead of just preaching God’s word). Thankfully, my current church has been very supportive (I’ve only been there 6 months though). It has been impressed upon me that God’s grace is sufficient, but even as a pastor I find myself having to re-remind myself of this very important doctrine.
My question is Phyllis how does empty preaching the “high road” sentiments help this conversation? You seem to have #7 written all over your face. I think that a recall the famous verse Matthew 7:5 – take the plank out your eye so you can the speck in your brother’s eye. Pastor I found this when my pastor posted it on this personal Facebook profile and I respect him the more for it. He states he has experienced many of the things you mentioned but not all.
*Gentle shhh.” Listen.
This is the very reason pastors feel discouraged, Phyllis: because when they open up they get pad answers from parishioners, instead of compassion and encouragement. When you open your heart, the first thing you want to hear from someone is not a book recommendation. It’s, “Thank you for having the courage to share this. I hear your heart in it, and it blesses me. I will pray for you, and I am grateful for your ministry.” Lead with understanding and compassion, not with advice and correction. Do you honestly think that Matt doesn’t know a word you said?
great point …this is why many pastor hurt themselves…they dont understand God kind of ministry rather than ME KIND OF MINISTRY….FOOLISH AND SENSELESS ARTICLE……
Dear Phyllis, easy to say, not so easy to do. As pastors, we know all these things, and our parishioners think we have a direct line to God (Aren’t we always the designated pray-er?) But we are still human, with all the feelings of a human being, and perhaps even deeper, unless the treatment we have received has made us callous. Resting is great, and sometimes we can actually feel that, until the devil reminds us that no matter how much we do, there is someone who thinks we don’t do enough, no matter where we are or what we’re doing, there is always somebody out there who thinks we should be somewhere else doing something else. It’ll drive you nuts, if you let it.
I see now you covered what I said in my comment 🙂
Pastors are actually human. I think this is somehow forgotten when saying things like, “don’t let this or that bother you.” Lay people have these same struggles in their jobs (lives). When someone says negative things, leave relationships, or business/work is not as successful as you aimed, it takes a toll emotionally. Pastors are called to do God’s work, but it is still work done by a human being. Just because one is called to ministry it doesn’t stop that person from being just as human as the person sitting in the pews. We in the ministry are subjected just the same to emotions, fears, doubts and so on. What this pastor is doing is simply confessing those things in hopes that we all take a step back to see him as a person who needs prayer and support. Too much is neglected when we say things like, “that’s on them”. Yes, it is, but it still hurts.
love it! thanks for your honesty, Pastor Matt, this is great and I learned so much about “the real world” of being a pastor/pastor’s wife. Also about myself as a member of a congregation. I think you pastors have one of the toughest jobs in the world-and your wives too. But you are also working for things that last; nothing you do for God is a waste of time: Keep pressing on, please!
Miss you guys.
I agree with Heldl. It seems hard and I am being called to ministry. But I know for a fact that God is always in control even when it doesn’t seem like it. You just have to wait on him. There is no such thing as a perfect person,
Great article! Some would say that we shouldn’t feel these things, but the reality is that we are human and these things hit us as much as they would anyone else.
I have already have been told that… Which is why we typically chose opaque 🙂 Stay strong!
Very good points. I also wish it had been written to include Pastor’s “Husbands”; yes, my wife is the Pastor. A whole different ballgame folks: “she must wear the pants in your family”, confused about “so if she’s the pastor, what do you do?”, etc.
Now that would be a very interesting article Phil. I would love to read that.
I often wondered in today’s society with the growing number of female pastors (fueled by my interest in becoming a pastor) what the “church” expectation of a pastor’s husband looks like. Are the roles that a pastor’s wife just switched to the husband. This seems very unrealistic to me. I would love to read a blog about this.
In my experience, the pastor’s wife expectations were combined with those of being a pastor. Role expectations were not placed upon my husband, who worked in the marketplace.
Do you play the piano or teach Sunday school?
I really have no remorse on #7, well on at least part of it. If I can see where you misquoted, misrepresented, and misinterpreted scripture after a two minute word study, then your 30 hours of “study” and two, hopefully Bible College degrees, are really nothing more than fancy pieces of paper.
I’m referring to my own pastor, not or you pastormatt. We, being my wife and I who both went to Bible College, ran into that exact situation and our pastor said that he did it for poetic license. I’m sorry, but that is not an acceptable reason to tell a congregation that the scripture, even something that isn’t an issue of salvation like Psalms, means one thing when it clearly is talking about something else and Strong’s and BDB back you up and not the pastor.
Then when it is brought before the elders and they fail to give you hope that the problem will even be addressed… it is time to find a new place to worship.
Phil, I wonder what it must be like to have a wife living in sin.
Sometimes I can’t wait until all of the Christians from the various denominations get to Heaven and are finally able to take the planks out of their eyes only to realize that every believer on earth was probably off on some theological point somewhere. I don’t remember the exact quote, but a close approximation of what Wesley stated, “In the essentials, truth; in non-essentials, love; in all things truth.” Many things we try to classify as being a part of the last category really are addressed by the middle one.
sorry, in essentials truth, in non-essentials, unity; in all things love. And I meant we try to put things in the first category, that are really addressed in the second and really the third.
Do you know any human being who isn’t “living in sin”?
Quite frankly, there are so many “Christian” pastors who dont have a clue what the gospel is, it often doesnt even take 2 minutes to realize they are false teachers who proclaim a free-will, let-Jesus-save-you, Jesus-died-for-everybody-but-didnt-save-anybody-for-sure gospel.
In such a case, I could not care less about their 30 hours of study or 2 or 5 or 10 collegiate degrees. Saul of Tarsus had a fairly rigorous college education too, if I recall correctly.
Yes, Saul of Tarsus had a rigorous education, AND he also was not saved! BIG DIFFERENCE! But, did you notice how much God used that education of his to write 2/3’s of the New Testament and quote half of the Old?
And pastors that preach “Free-will, Decide for Jesus, you have to let Him save you, He died for everybody but saved no-one for certain” aren’t saved either– despite their education.
Also, none of that education was used, nor needed. Hence why the Lord taught him for years in the desert prior to his preaching. Hence why he said he counted all his former religion “dung.” His entire understanding of the Old Testament, his entire education, was build on the lies and self-worship and work-mongering religion of Judaism, and so his entire education had to be torn down. And rebuilt.
Reblogged this on Holy Knees Homeschool Academy and commented:
As Papi continually looks for a position as a Pastor somewhere, I am being constantly reminded of this. Considering that I am as transparent as I get, being opaque is a learning process for me. I know God will bring me through it if He brings me to it, but it is still very scary.
Amazing article. It is so true. I would say 99% of the church would not acknowledge this or understand it because they have not served as pastors. Plus you judged because you are paid. It’s not a job it’s a calling, they say and you shouldn’t be paid for a calling. Well, my family still needs clothes, food and shelter so it really needs to be a paid calling don’t you think? And if you are bi-vocational out of necessity or your spouse is, they you aren’t giving enough time to the ministry. I wish it were easier to serve in this day and age or that others understood more what pastors go through. Most of us just want to serve Christ in the best possible way.
Thank you for posting this. For me #1 really rings true.
Nailed it… I’ve felt all of this as a youth pastor and as a small groups pastor.
You say some things I agree with, but I am very discouraged by the martyrdom that many pastors try to sell.
You feel pressure to perform? Why is the image that you use of yourself on the top of your website one of you performing? The joy and attention of performing will always come with the other side of the coin, the pressure and the criticism.
What professional job doesn’t have the pressure of their employers looking for someone to take their organization “to the next level?” Who doesn’t feel the pressure of being replaced or compared to their peers in other professional jobs? The difference is that those people do not have the platform to complain about that.
How many people in your congregation feel discouraged? Does what you are saying encourage them or encourage them? Is your motivation to lead them or to gain support for yourself?
You will never be loved and understood and appreciated by everyone you serve. Hopefully that’s not why you took this job. I hope it was a calling to serve those Christ has entrusted you with regardless of the personal cost.
It is all too apparent that you have no clue about what it is to serve as a Pastor. But way to encourage Pastor Matt!!
Man I wish this had a like button. ….
Well said. My former pastor posted this on his Facebook page. That church is losing members left and right and I believe it’s mostly due to his self centeredness. I don’t go to church to be an audience member, I go to church for corporate worship.
I understand and appreciate what is expressed by these 10 statements, but I also agree with Chad that many pastors have no idea that the pressures and feelings expressed in these 10 statements are the same (and often worse) that most of their congregation faces every single day in the business world. With companies downsizing, they are expected to take on added responsibilities and take work home or they’ll be replaced. Many also face pressure from work to be “on” 24/7 with email, travel, etc. or face losing their job. 40% of Americans are also not taking vacation time from work due to pressures related to their job. They’re expected to manage their finances, develop strong relationships with their children and marriage, have daily personal devotions, family devotions, attend all the services and serve weekly in a meaningful capacity in the church – all after they’re both worked 40-60 hour work weeks..I think some of the poorly worded comments from people to this pastor about “how nice that you can study the Bible all day,” reveal and translate more like this – “how nice you have time during your work day to have your devotions, study for your ministry on Sunday, etc. My spouse and I both work full-time, struggle just to find 15 minutes for regular devos on top of everything else expected of us.” While it’s not a properly worded comment, there is an underlying message pastors should seek to understand beyond feeling offended.
I fundraise for a Christian nonprofit. In my donor interactions I meet incredible people who have huge hearts and capacity for ministry in the local church. They are also facing tremendous pressures at work and home, and many wish their pastors understood their lives and hearts better. I think it would be interesting for pastors to switch lives with some of their congegration for one week, and vice versa. I believe more understanding, compassion, and less judgement would come on both sides from “walking in each others shoes.”
mamakonz, I do appreciate your way of responding.
Of course you are correct when you say “many pastors have no idea that the pressures and feelings expressed in these 10 statements are the same … that most of their congregation faces.” I think pastorboz would concede this as well. I don’t see his post as an attempt at establishing a one-way relationship with the church. I took it as an attempt to make possible what you close writing about: “I believe more understanding, compassion, and less judgement would come on both sides from ‘walking in each others shoes’.” Pastorboz is simply offering a chance for those who care to do just that a peek behind the curtain.
I am a pastor’s wife. I felt every word was valid. A pastor struggles when the church struggles. He wrestles with naval-gazing as to whether he did something wrong or should have done something differently even though it was all bathed in prayer and humility. I am my husband’s best friend and biggest cheerleader. It is an uphill battle some days when no one else seems to be cheering. No one has any idea how my husband would love to spend 40 hours a week in the word but is counseling people who will never give money or service, dealing with people at the door who want gas money or help buying food, encouraging young men one-on-one who are largely overlooked by the rest of the church… I don’t think he or I would live our lives any differently. It has been an awesome 30 years but the option of selling shoes instead has been brought up countless times. 😉
Amen. Having been on both sides of it, (congregation member and now pastor’s wife), no one can understand the pressures unless they’ve been there. If Satan can knock down the pastor, he messes with the sheep also. So it’s in everyone’s best interests to pray for their pastor.
Amen and well said!
Honest article and one every pastor should read and reflect upon. After 37 years in ministry and 33 as a senior pastor I relate to everything you have said. God bless.
Thanks for sharing our struggles. You do so in a beautiful, articulate and transparent fashion. I’d love to see your next post be about what you do to resist these struggles, forge ahead with the ministry of Jesus Christ and turn your foibles over to God. I can tell already that you have such strategies. Your writing is so coherent, I would love to see you share them!
I think you’re “confession” about #1 is insulting to church members. If your point is that you assume the worst when someone leaves even though it may not be true, that’s one thing, but to “confess” that you’re offended when your church members leave to go drink a slurpee at a big church is arrogant.
He doesn’t say he is “offended” when someone leaves. I think a better word is “hurt.” Any time someone leaves a church, they are not just leaving a congregation, they are also ending a relationship with the Pastor. Regular friendships can survive a church move without any major repercussions, but the Pastoral relationship is typically ended when this happens, and it is almost impossible to not take it at least a little personally when it does.
And comments as tone-deaf as that help pastors be more transparent how?
Well said, Pastor Matt, and thank you for letting down your guard. This is part of feeding the flock and helps me know how to pray for my own pastors.
What world do you live in?! If one of your friends says, “Hey, Ryan, I love you and all, but I’m going to start hanging with other friends and won’t have time for you anymore.” How would you feel?!
Try pouring your prayers and your blood life into a few hundred people, much less a thousand on a daily basis a little before saying something so callous and insensitive, Ryan. Wow. Your kind of comment is the very reason pastors live in isolation and fear: because the moment they show the slightest tinge of mortality or frailty, this is the type of self-righteous smack they are met with.
Ryan, it happens all the time. We’ve all lost members for the very reasons described, and yes, it does hurt.
17 And Moses’ father in law said unto him, The thing that thou doest is not good.
18 Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee: for this thing is atoo heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone.
19 Hearken now unto my voice, I will give thee counsel, and God shall be with thee: aBe thou for the people to bGod-ward, that thou mayest bring the causes unto God:
20 And thou shalt ateach them bordinances and claws, and shalt shew them the dway wherein they must ewalk, and the work that they must do.
21 Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people aable men, such as bfear God, cmen of truth, hating dcovetousness; and place such over them, to be erulers of thousands, and rulers of fhundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens:
22 And let them ajudge the people at all seasons: and it shall be, that every great matter they shall bring unto thee, but every small matter they shall judge: so shall it be easier for thyself, and they shall bear the bburden with thee.
23 If thou shalt do this thing, and God command thee so, then thou shalt be able to endure, and all this people shall also go to their place in peace.
24 So Moses hearkened to the voice of his father in law, and did all that he had said.
Lay clergy, part time, acting as pastors in rotation. work for your own support., and everyone lifts and edifies each other. Plus, if your livelihood doesn’t depend on the opinion of your congregants, you will be better able to speak hard truths and call them to repentance without worrying about losing your job.
Chet,
I agree, but in his confession that he was hurt when church members left, he basically accused those church members of leaving for foolish and even sinful reasons. Basically I read it as “I confess that I’m personally offended when you make the sinful decision to leave my church”.
Respectfully, I never used the words “offended” “sinful” or even “my church” because I was not accusing people of sin, nor would I say their actions are offensive and it’s certainly not “my church.” I think however you may have missed the point.
I do not think I missed the point, as you did a good job of articulating it. But, I think you took the moral high ground with your confession in #1 and it wasn’t fair. You implied that someone leaving a small church for a big church does so because he just wants whatever church has the best “amenities” and so the small church pastor feels bad because his church can’t compete.
I don’t know…. I don’t agree with the way he worded this comment. It wasn’t respectful at all. However, I do agree with the sentiment behind it. It may be because of my personal situation. (I commented on this separately. ), but I found your comment hurtful, Pastor, and I believe I got the point.
I don’t think you meant it to be hurtful to your congregation, but it does SEEM as if you believe when people leave a congregation it is for a frivolous reason.
The problem comes from pastors assuming they either know the reason our understand a particular family’s dynamic enough to know whether the reason is indeed frivolous. Clearly, a slurpee isn’t a good reason unless someone is on a slurpee only diet for health reasons. 😉 However, there are certainly reasons that may seem frivolous to one person which aren’t at all to another.
The important things are communication and forgiveness. I can’t stress that enough. The pastor has to be forgiving enough to allow people to do what’s best for them spiritually, and members of the congregation have to understand that it IS a touchy situation for the pastor and allow him our her that time to grieve. (I can’t think of a better word, so grieve it is. )
That being said, #1 DID cause me a little pang in my heart. The tone was a tent bit condescending. And that’s okay because you clearly are still a bit raw over some leaving your congregation. So… yeah. I’m not sure where that leaves everyone.
Can’t we all just get along???
Hi Pat. #1 is about how pastors feel (actually all 10 of them are), not whether we are justified in the feelings. It’s about how we process things, not necessary that we are correct in the processing. That’s why we don’t like to admit them. I do believe there are good reasons for people to move on and there are excellent ways to do so (I rarely see people exercise the latter, but there are good ways). My point wasn’t to say that every person who ever leaves hurts us, but leaving for these types of reasons listed or under these kinds of conditions can hurt us. When someone comes to me personally and has spiritually minded reasons or even ideological differences – I can understand them as they move on even if I’m bummed. When they just disappear or tell me its for amenity reasons (yes, literally I have had core leaders leave due to things like Slurpee machines and indoor play-lands, not better kids teachers or solid Bible lessons – stuff was the only reason given. In fact some have even gone so far as to say, “Yeah, the teaching is shallow at church x – so we will still watch you online.” Thanks I guess :)… that’s when it can be frustrating. The examples I gave were not speculations that pastors have (they can speculate and it is sin, but that isn’t what I was referring to). I was bringing up concrete examples that I and other pastors have experienced. I agree with you 100% that what is frivolous to one person has meaning to another, but unfortunately if the only reason you are given is say Slurpees your not left with much other than a sense of frivolous. The good news is that I’m now raw from a departure, but reflecting on times were I have been #1 was a way to capture it. Now days when someone leaves under this kind of dynamic it only bugs me for about a day. It used to bug me for months. Ah, sanctification is awesome 🙂
Pat, several have already responded to your last couple of posts, so I want you to know that I’m not trying to jump on your comment. But several seem to have trouble understanding #1, so I thought I might try to share some light on it from another perspective.
First, we who are pastors have to admit, and we hope that others can accept that we are indeed fallen creatures ourselves. I take things personally that I probably shouldn’t because I’m still growing toward perfection, I haven’t reached it yet. I don’t ask you to accept that so as to excuse me, but as a sister in Christ to stand with me and remind me that Christ came to redeem even me and to remind me that in Christ I too am forgiven.
Now, if you accept that it isn’t because we are righteous, but because we are human, you might understand how it ends up that we can take things personally. Every pastor I know has someone in their congregation who has asked them to win back a parishioner who left during the tenure of the previous pastor. It doesn’t matter the reason that the previous individual left, the implication from the member is that if the previous pastor had been a good enough pastor that no one would have left. So, if this is how the previous pastor is being judged in our presence, who am I to think that I am going to be treated any differently?
Now, should these sort of behavior on the part our membership matter to us? Probably not. But we have to confess that one of the weaknesses of most pastors is that we like to be liked. And so I find myself trying to please. And also, past experience, along with the stories shared with me from the congregation, teach me that (no matter the reason) when members leave I will be held accountable for their leaving in the eyes of much the membership. And yet, I know that no pastor, no local church is going to be right for all persons. And so, people will leave for all sorts of reasons, and I will love them, even encourage them and celebrate with them as they go, wishing them Godspeed. It is when people leave without talking to me, leaving only room to guess that those doubts which arise in my humanness overcome me and I begin to take it personally — and even then, I will pray that they will find the place that God might be preparing for them.
Ugh. I meant “or” and “teensy”. I can’t type a thing these days.
Ah! See, I think that is where the misunderstanding was coming from. Probably with Ryan, too, I’d bet. I thought you were saying that tongue in cheek and they were indeed speculations.
And fwiw, I was not trying to tell you that you should not feel this way. I think I expressed that in my other post. But I understand feelings are just feelings. I just truly hate that anyone would be hurt over such a thing seeing as I’ve just recently been on the other side of the fence and know in my heart that it truly had nothing to do with our pastor.
Gene, I thank you for your perspective and I completely understand that. However, I wad trying to she’d some light on Ryan’s response. Whenever words like betrayal and shallow are used and it feels as though it is directed at you for something well intentioned, it hurts. Some people handle that hurt by lashing out.
Unfortunately, we’re ALL just human. It’s difficult stuff, to be sure.
Ryan,
I went to the church Pastor Matt is preaching at , he is an amazing example of Christ,and I am one that has chose not to go after attending for over 15 years for reasons listed in this blog and from what I felt as lack of interest in my family from the church, but Matt revealing he has the same insecurities that I have are comforting to me, I don’t feel offended at all, I feel a kinship knowing my brother who has so much more understanding of scripture than I feels the same insecurities . It helps me in my journey of healing and in letting those insecurities go
I think it is difficult for those of us who are members to understand that we have these same problems with our own jobs. Why would it be any different with someone who is a pastor? It is more likely to be 10 fold the same because Satan knows who to target to have the most effect. Thanks for the read Brother.
I love your transparency both in the blog and on Sunday mornings thus the reason we call Redemption Church our home.
I could write a book .. But all I will say Thank God for Pastor Alfred Isaksen who is with Jesus now and his wife Dorothy also .Pastor ED
Rizzo and wife Maureen Pastor James Biles and his wife Caroline Jesus be Pastor Bob Barrett and his wife Patty Pastor Anthony Bruno and his wife Jackie .. wonderful Godly men and women who aloud me to know them and they knew me and blessed me and always preached Jesus His Grace ,Mercy and Love …I am not part of a small church now and miss it very much .now I have to walk what I have learned ..Jesus be Jesus in me …Judge not lest you be judged and pray for those who
have a very hard time understanding Father Son and Holy Spirit
Dear Pastors and familys may God Bless you to overflowing Merrill
No offense to you seeing how I don’t know you, but some Pastors need to take offense when their ” flock” is flocking out the door. In my understanding most people leave because of the leadership skills in overseeing church business. Not the vocational deliverance of a sermon.
I am a pastor myself, and while I resonate and agree with some of your thoughts, they are not nearly as universal as you seem to posit. I personally don’t feel the same way you do about several of these points, yet it seems you are attempting to speak for me. I’m all about making pastors more human and transparent…to that end, I would offer you would be better off replacing all the “We”s in your list with “I”s. This is going to sound much harsher than I intend, but I mean this as encouragement: don’t cloud your transparency by hiding behind “We” statements: speak for yourself. It’d be much more powerful to hear from you personally, in my opinion.
Reblogged this on THROUGH A GLASS.
I can honestly say after 30 years as a pastor I have not not do I think, feel, or entertain any of those items in any regular or routine way. I worry about those who do.
I would agree with you Paul that if all of these were true in a routine way it would be a concern. That any of these ever happen is a bummer, but over the years I have found that all pastors have some occasion with the majority of these – regardless of church size or time in ministry. That is why I titled it as I did and not, “10 Things All Pastors Constantly Do And Hate To Admit Publicly.”
Seriously? What do you struggle with as a pastor?
Thanks from a pastor who almost totally left the ministry a few years ago, but is in a church that is a “Barnabas Church” they have encouraged and uplifted me through some really hard times
Reblogged this on Grace in progress…or the musings of a husband, father, pastor and runner. and commented:
This guy hits the nail on the head.
Truth.
For last 12 years my wife and I are committed to encourage, equip and empower Pastors in northeast India. Pastors are very strategic.and indispensable God’s resource to transform our Church and Society, But they are weak and vulnerable like any human beings, Furthermore, they cannot express the need of being ministered to publicly. They need senior pastors who extend their sacrificial pastoral care.and love. Please visit our ministries at http://www.tlaministries.org
Thank you. Glad to know I’m not the only one who feels these things.
I this is another small and necessary measure to show common folks that ministers are as “feet on the ground” as they are. At least that’s true with the OT deposit of faith as well as the NT deposit of faith. We have so much in common with our parents and grandparents and our time is wasted thinking we are so different. We all have to carefully understand and appreciate the deposit of faith given us as well as the way we pass it forward. For that we need to be in tune with our shepherds; their humanity, their limitations, and the blessings we have in them. That said, it’s awkward what passes for Christian spirituality. I’m sorry for the ministers who are caring for the “scrawny flock” and the folks who are coming and going these days, shopping per se, are mostly in and out of the work God is accomplishing in the mundane among God’s people and His world.
*I think (sorry)
We are to pray for our pastors/leaders and grow in Christ. Respecting the position God put them in and standing by them with Love. God has put pastors in our churches. I am very grateful for all the pastors that have been in my Christian walk. Thank you for your sharing! I will continue to pray for pastors/leaders and know my life has been blessed with them and their families.
May I share this, with full attribution, with my church board? They would benefit from hearing this in someone’s words other than my own.
Please do 🙂
After 38 years in the rabbinate I have not found these things to be true. They may be true from time to time, but they have not predominated. I hate for people to think that they are true and to judge clergypeople accordingly. I think this does a disservice to the profession.
Thank you for your courage to share this, Matt! It’s refreshing to see a fellow pastor take the mask off… or at least be “opaque”! 🙂 I’m sorry about some of the chilidish and pharisaic responses here, but I’m also not surprised. Consumerism and narcissism has so enveloped the Christian culture that the moment a pastor gets real people get upset, instead of being encouraged to follow suit. ‘Truly a sign of the times. I wonder what some of these do with statements like Paul’s confession of being in despair of life or James’ remark about Elijah being a man of like passion. How they would have handled Moses after finding out he was a murderer or David after he’d committed adultery… We like our heroes to be mythical apparently, not human. Keep fighting the good fight!
I appreciate what Pastor Matt says, At the same time, as one in his 8th decade of life, I can say that I feel that “the church” has left me as much as I’ve left it.
I totally agree. And yet, as a seminary student, I can’t help but think it’s a problem that there is a consistent ‘we’. It shouldn’t be like that, because pastors should be drawn from their communities, as the strongest leader and most faithful candidate. But yet, they aren’t. They minister in towns they thought had great schools, and they leave after 3-5 years on the job. They see it as a job. So perhaps the seminaries and magazines have something to answer for.
How courageous to be “Real” . How astonishing that so many responders have all the answers! I believe the ministry to be exceeding hard work -despite it being Gods ministry.
The burden of responsibility for the congregations spiritual development is sobering and Scripture reminds us to share good things with our teacher because he has to account to The Lord.Until we are made perfect ,we will all at some time be more human than Godly . Praise God that He knew this and still loves us totally and helps us with our struggles. Well done Pastor Matt. Thank you.
pastorboz, thanks for taking the risk and opening up. I’ve probably had most of the experiences you describe more than a few times in the last 35 years of ministry. I’m grateful that I am where I am right now and truly feel valued by my present congregation — even if I am still guilty of being more opaque than transparent with them. I read some of the comments that so quickly jump all over you, that defend actions you describe as having caused pain because, quite frankly (and in their own words), they “could not care less. I read them and I weep for the Church.
And to any pastor reading this who happens to charged with sheperding such a congregation, may you be so blessed as to know a God who loves you more than even the church can hate.
Some of these comments are the reason why so many pastors are opaque instead of transparent. Are all of these true all of the time? No. Are all (or at least most) true some of the time? I think at one time or another, 99% of Pastors have felt each one of these.
Worship leaders feel these things too. Dead on.
Well said & explained. Wouldn’t be an easy job being a pastor.
Chief, your nailed it.
The pastor of the church where I am nominally a member posted this link. I think it is because he wishes these things were true about him. He really is all about increasing his numbers and actually doesn’t care about his current members. He’s even said it to the entire congregation. When I was going through a hard time, he didn’t care. My brother died and he couldn’t even bring himself to be compassionate! I continue to feel the hurt from his behavior but have yet to find a solution. Finding a place to worship and connect with other believers shouldn’t be fraught with ego maniacs in the pulpit purporting to be working to spread God’s word and love.
As a pastor for 40+ years I affirm most of what the article says. I know that the congregations I served expected a lot, including non-stop growth with little action on their own part. After 15 years with my last congregation, during which we grew 50% and reached an historic high in average worship attendance, church leaders came to me and reported that leadership was wondering if the church might grow more with new leadership. I reminded them that I had performed around 250 funerals in my years with them and that still, our attendance was at least as high as it was when I arrived. But I was old and they wanted younger leadership, so I retired. The worship attendance there is now about 1/3 of what it was when I left. Pastoral ministry is sometimes a sad and thankless calling, but I still affirm the call to that ministry and do not regret any of it, except the way it ended..
I am in my 60s and on Medicare, but still carry scars from being a preacher’s kid. Thank you for telling the truth. I honor your courage and humility. I pray for my pastor, his family, and my faith community. We’re all doing the best we can in a broken world.
Most, if not all, of these problems would be solved if we simply followed the Biblical model of a church. That model being a plurality of elders as the leadership, and not one man taking on all the responsibility of leadership. You will not find one example in scripture telling us to set up one man as a head pastor (or elder), it is ALWAYS two or more being set up as leaders.
Hi Zach, I would agree that it can help, but plurality doesn’t solve sin and insecurity in the individual. I serve in a plurality eldership church, I am not the senior pastor (Jesus is the SP in our bylaws) and we even have more than one paid elder/pastor – all of whom would affirm the realities of this list. What I have found is that these feelings are no respecter of structure or position. I have been hearing from youth pastors, worship pastors, outreach pastors and small group pastors in light of this post and they all experience some of these things. In fact some of these things are even felt by lay elders (which is why boards often fire pastors too – their fears were realized because they didn’t take the church to the “next level”). Additionally most of my 25 years of ministry has been in plural models and I found them to be true of other pastors I served with. In one church it was with men who served under John MacArthur – say what you want about John but the dude is as biblical as they come, yet they struggled with these things. I do think the plural model helps tremendously, but only in reducing the some aspects, not removing them.
I wasn’t trying to say that plurality would remove sin; I was simply stating that Bible does not teach there is such a thing as a “Senior Pastor.” You might say that it’s jut common sense that when a group of people come together (a church in this example) a leader must arise, but that is not true. Pastors are not set up above elders in the scriptures. Quite frankly, most of the young pastors out there today do not even fit the requirements to be an elder, and they are placed in this pastoral position by their congregation and given more authority and responsibility than the elders themselves! We are becoming like the pharisees, who refused to change their traditions and way of life because “it’s the way it’s always been done.” Well I don’t care if a “senior pastor led” church is the way it’s been done for thousands of years. If it contradicts scripture, it needs to change. The fundamental way that most church’s are run nowadays is not in line with scripture.